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Introduction for effect of bullying victims

bansmart06 4 / 8  
Mar 21, 2012   #1
Jared and I used to be best friend when we were in middle school. When Jared and I turned 12 years old, Ben always bullied him in our middle school Sunnybrook. Ben and his group usually assaulted and robbed Jared whenever he was in gym. Feeling desperate to the everyday bullying, on the morning of September 29, 1998, Jared called his dad at work to say goodbye and shot himself instantly while he was talking to his dad. Now, I look back at his tragic life and realize there are three major effects of bullying: withdrawing school, hurting physically, and devastating emotionally.

I do not know how to start good introduction if anyone can come up with a better intro, please go ahead. Feel free to jot down comment and correction for it thanks.
chalumeau /  
Mar 21, 2012   #2
I attached my comments about the paragraph. I thought the introduction was
very good. Although it's more common than it used to be, not many people
know someone who committed suicide (or was known to have committed suicide)
as a direct result of bullying. Your bravery in bringing up your friend's trouble
is honorable.

Grammar tip:
In the sentence, "Ben always bullied him in our middle school..." the "always" is
inappropriate. Why? Let's take this sentence: "He is always nice to us." The
"always" describes the state of being nice. It's usually used as a compliment or
a complaint. In the case of bullying it's acceptable to say, "He is always bullying us!"
However, it's unacceptable to say, "Ben always bullied him," unless the point is
one of complaint, which it is not. The point is to describe the situation, and I find
the adverb, "frequently," an acceptable replacement.

OP bansmart06 4 / 8  
Mar 22, 2012   #3
great it really is helpful for my new essay

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