Hello, I would like hear your thoughts about my essay to applying for AAS scholarship. Check this out
Why did you choose your proposed course and institution?
I propose a Master of Information systems at the University of Melbourne or Master of Commerce at the University of Sydney. The reason is based on what I have experienced in the past.
After I graduated from university, I joined a startup incubator program initiated by the Indonesian Ministry of Industry. In there, I got a lot of coaching on how to build a business from scratch. Then I realized that business and technology have a strong correlation. Most of my peers' background is in the technology field, therefore they often failed to build a good business model. They can make a good application, however, they do not solve the market problem.
On the contrary, my current job as a software developer gives different insights about business and technology. Most companies nowadays using IT infrastructure to support their business. I see there is still plenty of room for improvement for the companies to get the higher-earning. Case in point, most big companies own big data. Therefore, by using business analytics tools they can transform the data into business insights to build a better strategy and business decision.
The digital economy expected will contribute 9,5% of Indonesia's gross domestic product in 2025. As a result, the organization should transform its digital aspects and technology to be competitive in the market. For this reason, I want to be more versatile in this field by taking a master's degree that blends business and technology.
After doing some research my option falls to Master of Information Systems at the University of Melbourne and Master of Commerce at the University of Sydney. These universities are among the top 100 best universities in the world. Both of the master programs offer an elective stream with various subjects ranging from business analytics to digital business and marketing. Determining from the subjects I believe it will lead me to fulfill my future goals as an IT professional.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Your reasons for choosing your course aren't impressive at all. There is no career relation that could tie your course choice with your current job title or description. You may want to reconsider the format for your statement. It doesn't really portray you as a strong candidate for the scholarship. What you should do is consider each course choice, per university. Then decide upon how you will discuss it. Which course has the most relationship with your current career? Discuss. Another option is, to have you discuss the course choices based on a potential career change on your part. I think that this would be the more viable discussion for your presentation because you already started the essay by discussing the failed start-ups of your friends. If you have an interest in starting your own business, then you should go for that discussion angle per university.
Remember that you chose each university and course for a reason. You have to be fair when discussing the university and course choices. I noticed that you chose 2 different courses for each university. Throughout the discussion though, you failed to justify the course choices. You gave a general discussion and that, is the problem with the presentation. You need to offer discussion points per course choice, in the context of why you chose the university. That way you truly represent why you chose the course and the university in relation to your career path.
@juliandika
you need to be more details in explaining course and university choices. Relate it with what you want to achieve after you finish study
This essay, the reason needs some personal touch up. Currently, it sounds like you just applied for 2 different courses out of nowhere without doing good thinking.Try to link with your childhood dream or passion and the reason should also have good logical connection to your career development.
Explain the specific reason why you prefer this particular course/institute over other similar courses.
Hi, I think you can sharpen your essay by being very specific on which part of the course can help advance your career. Good luck!
