Hi, please review my essay for my application in AAS
Why did you choose your proposed course and institution?
As a civil servant in the National Population and Family Planning Board, I have the eagerness to contribute in enhancing Indonesian Human Development Index starting from developing the family's resilience. Because, the family has important roles to create qualities of human development in terms of health, education, and prosperity. My vision is linear with my institution goals in the Family Planning Program. However, the implementation has several problems, likewise old-fashioned campaigns and poor strategy to gain networking and community awareness. The program results merely spending the budget but lack of quality. Therefore, I am applying for the Master of Public Health (MPH) as my proposed course, because I need to increase my knowledge and skill regarding health promotion to gain people participation in Family Planning Program. Moreover, The MPH degree in Australia is equipped with practical public health, which is beneficial to learn about advanced intervention in developed countries. In addition, I have opportunities to gain connection with various experts and communities in International scale for involve in partnership and contribute in public health program intervention. My preference universities are The University of Griffith and The University of Queensland because the course structure focuses on health strategic planning, policy, and management, as well as health promotion in the population which is relevant and applicable in my current profession. Nevertheless, my first choice is The University of Griffith, because The MPH program has recognition of previous education and experience which will be accumulated in credit points. Since my previous bachelor degree was in Public Health Faculty and I have been working in the public health sector for over five years, this would be beneficial in my study program. The courses included are health program planning, monitoring, and evaluation, environment and population health, and global health system. As these courses would be implemented to increase strategies in program planning and partnership for BKKBN organization
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,527 3444
For starters, separate the presentation into topic paragraphs for easy reading. This current format is hard on the eyes, making it difficult to read. The compressed words do not help the reviewer gain a sense of clarity in your writing. It also makes it difficult to follow what you are trying to say.
Separate the university and course choice discussions. One paragraph, one university, one related course. Never try to qualify the universities on the same strengths because these universities have a preference ranking with you, based on your academic and professional requirements. Since you have only 400 words to use in response, you may want to focus specifically on the university and course choices rather than the lengthy explanation of the profession you are engaged in. Rather than introducing that separately, integrate the information instead as one of the deciding factors for your course and university choices. That way the presentation becomes short, informative, and relevant on all fronts.