Need your help in reviewing my essay for Australian Awards Scholarship.
1) Why did you choose your proposed course and institution?
( 2000 characters - I still have a space of approx 200 characters)
Being a social sciences graduate development personally concerns me; however, I have never seen how development projects work and shape society, until a few years back when I joined the public sector. I want to pursue a master's degree in Development with a specialization in Gender studies from University of Melbourne which is considered Australia's leading university. This specialization will help me understand how society and culture frame our social and political discourse especially where women are concerned. Of particular interest to me are the courses offered on Social Enterprise Incubator, Social Policy and Development, Development of Project Management & Design, Local-Global Nexus: Kinship & Community, Gender issues in Development and Monitoring & Evaluation in Development. These courses will enable me to bridge the proficiency gap between theory and practice, which I believe are the biggest obstacles, since I do not have a formal education in this field. The Capstone Stream 1: Internship in Development and Stream 3: Project Management & Design will allow me to develop a global perspective and deep insight into local issues and replicate best international practices in local context.
My second course choice is Development Studies at University of New South Wales (UNSW) which is the ranked 2nd in Australia. This is an interdisciplinary program focused on analyzing geopolitical, economic, social, ethical, and cultural complexities in which development takes place, and is based on a participatory approach. Subjects of personal interest are Community Development, developing countries and international system, politics of international aid, rights-based project design and evaluation, NGO, civil society and development and international development policy. These courses will develop and broaden my knowledge on contemporary issues concerning not only developing countries like Pakistan but also of the developed world.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,519 3442
You need to revise the total response. All you did in this essay was refer to the ranking of the universities and enumerate the classes you will be taking. The reviewer doesn't need that information. What he needs to know is the basis by which you have decided to study specific courses and how these will be useful to you in improving your professional skills.
The opening paragraph should clearly address a specific section of your employment that is affected by your lack of expertise. By explaining the situation about the mishandling of gender gaps in your office, you will be able to relay the information as to why additional training on your part is important as you struggle to address this problem in the workplace.
The ranking of the universities do not matter in this case. The reviewer already knows that they have the best universities in the world so reminding his is just a practice in wasting character count. Rather, Based upon your understanding of the course syllabus of each university, explain why you chose the university based on your professional requirements. How does each course help you to improve a particular skill which is necessary to address gender gap issues in your workplace? Is it the ability of the masters course to help you address that concern that led to your choice of university? Why did one university become a top choice and the other a second choice? Don't just enumerate all the courses. You can cherry pick one or two courses from each university that clearly addresses a plan of action on your part upon your return to work. That way the decision to choose a course and institution becomes logical to the reviewer.