Dear all, I'm Applying for AAS and still working on my Supporting statements, I would really appreciate if someone could review my essay. Thank You
Questions (This is the first Question) :
Why did you chose your proposed study and institution? (2000 char)
I've work in HR Department for more than 7 years, and Human Resources Development has been my interest ever since. There are problems in the Development Program or Training programs in most company. In my previous company, the training programs mainly focused to the for technical skills and tends to neglects the soft skills and other beneficial subjects. Another common problem is the trainers bring the training material with the boring old fashion methods, which cause the trainees gain almost nothing after the class. This problems is a stumbling block in improving HR Quality not only in private companies but also in organizations.
After discussions with those who specialized in Development and Training and also with a professional Participative training specialist, I feel the urgency to sharpen my skills and knowledge concerning this matter. I believe the course will equipped me with the ability needed to solve those problems and fill the gap in HR Development in general in order to contribute more for the society.
Even a good training program will not be effective and successful without a good leadership and managerial skill, that is the reason why I chose the Master of Education (Learning and Leadership) from University of Technology Sidney. Further more, the study program allows students to customized their subjects. This will be very beneficial for me, because some subjects such as : XXX are very crucial in solving the problems concerning learning methods.
Have more enthusiasm in your tone of writing. Doing this can be as simple as adding more adjectives to your essay. When you do this, you are able to appear more expressive and accommodating to the offer that you have.
You also have to be wary of your fundamental grammar rules for the language itself. I have noticed minor slip-ups. These are easily fixed through making sure that you develop a steadfast mindset and a self-corrective pattern of writing. Simply read once more about the fundamentals; apply it once you reread your essay. If you cannot, you can always go for a second opinion.
As I was mentioning, a combination of both these comments should be generously applied throughout your essay.
Let's try applying them into your first paragraph. I would revise the first lines as:
Ever since I started working for the Human Resources (HR) Department seven years ago, I have developed a keen interest in its development. As having issues in training programs is commonplace, I have decided that I would like to partake in enhancing my knowledge about the field. I have noticed two key issues: [mention briefly the issues here]
I hope that this presents you with a clearer picture of what I would recommend for your essay.
You should be wary of your capitalization. If your intention is to give attention to specific portions of the text, there are other alternatives that you can do (see first point of my comment). To ensure the formality of your text, you should only apply the capitalization to pronouns. Always abide by the fundamental rules even when you're writing supporting statements such as this.
I also recommend that you maintain a single flow of language. What this entails is that you should avoid shifting your verb tenses around because it will be baffling to the evaluators themselves. For instance, if you wish to write the entirety of the text as if you are story-telling, then using past tense with a few participles thrown in should suffice. Only change the tone when you're speaking about prospects because then it would warrant the usage of future tenses.
Once you're more careful with your grammar usage, I would opt that you then proceed to have more focus on the content of your essay.You could add more anecdotes in the composition. What you could is incorporate more personalized stories to enhance your chances. Having a more intimate touch to your essay can help evaluators understand where you're coming from.
Best of luck.
Thank You so much for your fast response and review. I am rewriting my essay and to be honest, I'm struggling to incorporate more enthusiasm on it, no idea how to do that, but I'll keep trying ;)