Please review my writing for any blatant grammatical errors or awkwardness. Be considerate of length requirements and purpose of the essay. I'm applying for a scholarship for high school students who have shown outstanding academic ability despite facing economic challenges.
I tried to make my essays personal as well as interesting, considering the fact the essay readers will probably have read hundreds and thousands of similar essays. With my personal statement, I think I tried to include some rhetorical techniques to add creativity, but I'm not sure if it's enough, or if I failed it altogether. I also wanted to be direct, saying as much as I could in as few words I could, but direct and pointed writing is not one of my strong points so please provide feedback! I think I'm actually lacking key content like good topic sentences or analysis. I'll keep working at it, but any suggestions at all will be helpful!
ESSAY SECTION
List and describe three unique factors that have most shaped who you are (any obstacles you have faced or passions you have developed are especially relevant). (100 word limit per factor. *)
My Humble Abode
Our tiny 3-bedroom townhouse is shared by 6 people: me, my mother, father, two brothers, and church pastor. Despite the fact that our abode seemed barely able to fit us five, my parents immediately suggested that the pastor move in when he faced eviction. While the pastor gets one room, I get one room, and my brothers share the master bedroom, my parents literally sleep on a mattress on the floor of the master bedroom's closet. My parents' example of always putting others before themselves taught me what it means to show compassion, be selfless, and sacrifice for loved ones.
A Lack of Talent
I play guitar, violin, and viola, but don't consider myself talented. I've learned to play, but show no signs of outstanding talent. I was a solid violin student before my teacher suggested I switch to viola. The transition was hard because I had to match up new fingerings, tonalities, and notes. To this day, I still struggle with sight-reading, and have considered quitting multiple times. However, I love music, and learned that it's more important to do what you love than of only what you think you are good at, to try new things, and to never give up.
My Christianity
My faith in Jesus Christ has taught me to have trust, optimism, and integrity. Following Jesus has taught me that true faith is trusting in something I cannot always see with my own eyes. You must take a leap of faith and trust others before you can expect them to trust you. Despite facing hardships, I'll always be optimistic and trust that all things were meant to serve a greater purpose. My integrity comes from the examples and expectations set by Christians in my church and my family, and my knowledge that God is always watching over me.
PERSONAL STATEMENT:
Evaluate a significant experience you have faced and its impact on you. 500 word limit
My ideas:
- Compare struggle to immigrants' and the similar results of determination and hard working attitude
- Show how struggle at young age resulted in hardworking individual
- Compare experience to brothers' lack of experience and similar character
My first days of school were not only a struggle, but a pre-formulated social experiment that followed a precedent my father knew well, the experience of an immigrant. My father manipulated my earliest schooling experience to build what I now call my character. He purposely made my life initially harder to foster diligence and motive.
Taking my first steps into kindergarten, I had a near-to-nothing comprehension of English, just like a fresh-off-the-boat immigrant. Though I was born and raised here, my first and only language was Vietnamese. Going to school was like landing in a new country. Not only was I casted away from those I loved and knew, but was confronted with strangers who talked and looked differently. I was only able to learn and operate by following examples, hand gestures, and visual aids. Just as an immigrant would struggle with language barriers and different customs in simple tasks such as buying groceries or working under a boss, I struggled with things like expressing that my shoes were untied, and understanding what I was to do. This initial lack of knowledge placed me at a disadvantage. I was always behind, having to examine what others were doing before attempting to produce similar results.
As I grew, I increasingly wished I knew English from the start or went to preschool like everyone else. It wasn't until my father told me he'd put me in that position on purpose, that he showed me how putting myself in that difficult position pushed me to work harder not only to catch up, but also to get ahead. In second grade, I graduated ESL and joined the rest of the class. That year, I won the class spelling bee for spelling over 100 words correctly in the preliminary round and beating ten more classmates in a final spell-off. In less than three years, I had gone from a foreigner with nearly no knowledge of English, to rising above more than twenty other peers who'd spoken English their whole lives. Putting me at an initial disadvantage similar to my father's immigration experience has forced me to become a hardworking, competitive individual determined to continually improve myself so I may never be intellectually disadvantageous again.
My brothers' lack of a similar experience proves the experience's impact on my character. Because I went to school first, and they were only a few years younger, my brothers never struggled with the English language like I did. The second child only had one year in ESL, and the youngest never took ESL at all. They never had to struggle for lack of words or means of expression, or try so hard to keep up and get ahead. Life came easy, and they took it easy. However, they have become much lazier than me, never doing more than what they must. Whereas I work hard and continually push myself, my brothers do just enough. They're still smart, but they don't have my diligent character, endless work ethic, or high aspirations.
