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"My academic objectives, long-range goals & why particular college". --- College Scholarship Essay

vjst399 1 / -  
Jan 11, 2022   #1
Hey everyone,
I am applying to a university undergraduate scholarship program. Kindly, help me review my essay. The question or the prompt is:

Prompt 1: Describe your academic objectives and indicate how these are appropriate to your long-range goals. Please include specifically how a Bachelor's degree from the University of (xyz) will contribute to your achieving your longer-range goals. (100 word maximum)

My response is as follows:
Response 1: As an enthusiastic computer scientist, I am looking forward to delving deep into the world of AI & ML as a CS student at the University of (xyz). After four years of high school Computer Science, Math, and other engineering-related courses, a bachelor's degree will not only forge a solid academic foundation but also help gain the relevant skills & ample work experience. Integrating university resources with my passion for problem-solving will fuel my dream of leading a tech company & my long-term goal of becoming a tech entrepreneur that pushes the world towards innovation to solve contemporary problems.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,303 3989  
Jan 11, 2022   #2
The academic objectives are too vague. These need to be more specific to your progessional goal upon graduation. The response contains too much word filler at the start. It does not really provide a clear response to the prompt because it was wasted on an irrelevant introduction / opening sentence. Since this is a word limited statement, you need to make sure that you immediately go into an academic goals discussion. One that will clearly tie in with your ambitions. You can either start with your ambition statement first, then explain how your academic goals are affected by this target or, use the reverse of the presentation. Just make sure that the goal ties in with the result or vice versa. Talk of the mid - term goal rather than confusing the reviewer with a short and long term goal. College is always meant to respond to the medium range plans of the student so the idea of becoming a tech entrep would fit in best with the academic goals. Long range plans will require masters courses and PhD studies, so aim for the middle instead, indicating that college is only the first step in your plans.

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