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to access world-class bachelor of social science degree program


sabLeya 3 / 14  
Jan 26, 2011   #1
so Here's the question

How will you benefit from the scholarship? ( word limit 150)

Towards achieving my dream of making peace like the noble prizewinner Prof. Muhammad Yunus, the scholarship will play its bigger part. It will assist me financially to access world-class bachelor of social science degree, contributing towards my future goal. On majoring in economics, jobs will be within my reach as Hong Kong is the heart of international finance, having many multinational financial institutions set up its operation. Gaining a Hong Kong work experience will help me strengthening leadership skills and self-confidence preparing me as an entrepreneur. Following two years of work experience in Hong Kong, I plan of coming home and setting up a firm in the rural areas of Bangladesh, to create employment for the disadvantaged people. The company will be extended further to an English medium school providing free education to the children of the employees and other underprivileged children.

Pls tell me how I can improve it? looking forward to your help

anot - / 1  
Jan 29, 2011   #2
On majoring in economics, jobs will be within my reach as Hong Kong, with <plenty/other word of your choice> of multinational financial institutions, is the heart of international finance.

Gaining a Hong Kong work experience will help me strengthening my leadership skills and self-confidence preparing me as an entrepreneur.

Following two years of work experience in Hong Kong, I plan of coming to come home and setting up a firm in the rural areas of Bangladesh, creating employment for thedisadvantagedsubstitute a better word people. The company will be extended further to an English medium school providing free education to the children of the employees and other underprivileged people children .

Towards achieving my dream of making peace like the noble prizewinner Prof. Muhammad Yunus, the scholarship will play its bigger part. -- Nothing in your application is twards making peace. Besides, you don't really "make" peace.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Jan 29, 2011   #3
...having many multinational financial institutions set up its in operation. ---I simplified that part. It was complicated! :-)

Gaining a Hong Kong work experience will help me strengthening leadership skills and self-confidence preparing me as an entrepreneur. Following two years of work experience in Hong Kong, I plan of coming home and setting up a firm in the rural areas of Bangladesh, to create employment for the disadvantaged people. The company will be extended extend further to ...---simpler is always better.

Your essay is already very concise, though, and well-written!

One more:
I plan on coming home and setting up a firm in the rural ...


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