My ACT Test - Questbridge 200 word essay

Prompt:

Tell us about one of your proudest achievements or moments and what it says about you.

"You have five minutes remaining in the section," the proctor announced. I sat there, heart palpitating, thoughts racing, and mind jumbling. I still had ten questions left on the ACT Reading section as I scanned the last passage with feverous haste, and by the time I looked up at the analog clock, I had one minute left. My hand frenziedly scribbled in random bubbles until time had been called. There was still a discomforting void; I stared at my five empty answers as we finished the section and moved onto the next. I felt defeated, but my only option was to just finish the test.

I was sure that I failed, but at the same time, I just didn't know. I log on weeks later to see my results, preparing myself to see a 28 at best, maybe a 29. Except it's not a 28, or even a 29--it's a 31. My eyes widen and my hand hovers over my gaping mouth as I stare at the screen. I jump from my seat and celebrate. I was so proud of myself because I exceeded my own expectations and was capable of doing more than what I limited myself to.

I scrapped my old essay for this prompt and this is my first draft for the new one. I know 31 isn't that great compared to other QB applicants (haha), but the point was that I did better than I had anticipated.

Do you think this is an appropriate story?
How can I improve it?
How do I effectively end the essay?

Any feedback is appreciated, thanks!

Well, yes. This is a good story that shows how much you care about the academic side of your education. However, you need to build a backstory for it before you achieve this climax and climactic ending. Walk the reviewer through your story. How were you performing academically before? Why were you worried about this test in particular? What was hinging on the results? After the results came out, you were jubilant. Explain why the jubilation was an appropriate response even though it was a grade that "could have been better". You know, the sense of foreboding and excitement is there, so build on it. Make us anticipate the results, make us worry for you, make sure we feel what you feel so that we can understand the achievement you are emphasizing through this story.