You are advised in your statement to define how your study plan relates to progress in your country

It's an opportunity for me and my homeland

My desire to obtain a master's degree in Energy Law and professional skills is borne out of a burning desire to bring about the necessary change in my home country; Nigeria and also to be a role model to other Northern females in Nigeria showing them that there is no limit to achieving their dreams.

The role of Law in the development of any country cannot be overemphasized. Nigeria is the largest, most populous and one of the fastest developing countries in Africa with energy accounting for roughly 35% of its GDP, 75% of government revenue and 90% of export earnings. Notwithstanding these statistics, the legal system particularly as it relates to energy is not as developed as other countries in the world but its potential is without a doubt evident. Consequently, there is a dire need for qualified human capital to steer the country towards economic growth and prosperity particularly in terms of policies and legislation. This lacuna needs to be addressed more now than ever because of the emergence in Nigeria of one of the largest refineries and petrochemical plant in Africa which will commence operations in 2019.This refinery will increase Nigeria's potential for economic development in the energy sector and increase its relationship with other countries in Africa and the world.

Studying in a developed country like the United Kingdom under the Commonwealth Shared Scholarship will present an opportunity I will otherwise never be able to afford. It is an opportunity which guarantees a once in a lifetime experience. I look forward to the exposure and skills studying abroad will provide. On my return, I hope to have improved in my leadership and social skills which will aid me in achieving my goals which include getting integrated into a highly competitive law firm with an active Energy, Oil and Gas department wherein I hope to gather the necessary expertise and create a network that will gear me towards achieving my long term goals. As a northern female in an area where female education is secondary to child marriage, I am happy about how far I have come but I am more excited about what the future holds and sharing same with other females; giving them hope and an example to emulate. On the long run, my goals include getting elected into the legislative house because I believe that a lot can be achieved by enacting the right laws and creating policies focused on diversification and development of the economy.

Hussaina, while I understand the need to promote female empowerment in Nigeria, the course that you plan on taking does not relate to that topic. Therefore, you should not present that in the essay. The female empowerment issue is a side topic that does not relate to the kind of national or community project that can help your country, with regards to the masters degree course that you have selected to attend. The focus of this essay should be only on the relation of your masters degree to the project or development of a particular field in your country. Relate your post study plan to either a government promoted project or a community undertaking that can benefit from the expertise that you hope to gain during your studies. You cannot and should never, present such generalized plans for your career upon your return. You need to convince the reader that you have a solid plan that you can put into action and also, realize the importance of through visible results.

While this essay has some usable parts, I need to read the full prompt requirement for the essay in order to assess if you can add or remove any unnecessary information in your essay. I hope that you can post the full instructions along with your revised essay.

Hussaina, I understand that this is your first post on EF website. Usually, in order to make it easier for us to assist in reviewing an essay, members are advised to include the prompt(s) of their essay (i.e essay questions). This will help us to evaluate if your draft answers the prompt(s) or not, and then suggest how your write-up could improved. Having said that, I can see from the third paragraph of your essay that you are applying for Commonwealth Shared Scholarship and this is Home Country Benefit section of the application. The usual prompt for this section is as follows:

- describe how your plan of study relates to development in your sector and country
- say how, on your return, you will apply your new skills and qualification
- what outcome do you hope to achieve
- suggest how the impact of your work can be measured

With these in mind, It would be easier to assess your draft and make suggestions that can improve your essay.

I must commend your effort in putting up a 412 word essay. This means that your essay has passed the 500 word limit test. Now, your supposedly 1st paragraph is just a sentence and, as such, does meet minimum requirement for a paragraph in English Language; a paragraph must contain at least 3 sentences. Also, it is really not a good opening statement as it contains obvious punctuation errors, as well as misleading statement "...a master's degree in Energy Law and professional skills". I don't think there is a university qualification as Energy Law and professional skills, so adjust that statement in your next post. You have to restructure the opening statement in a paragraph from such that it immediately addresses the first prompt.

The 2nd paragraph should be merged with your opening statement or be an elaborate continuation of some statements captured in the 1st paragraph since its content answers the 1st prompt as listed above. Your 3rd paragraph should start immediately with your post study plan. Well, your post study is not really specific enough and cannot earn the attention of the reviewer of your application. Remember, this is a competitive scholarship and your application must stand out if you must win it. You really need to think of the specific way you intend to apply the skills and qualification you hope to achieve from the UK and this must relate to development priority in Nigeria.

Finally, enhance the coherence and fluidity of ideas in your essay. Use transition sentences and/or words to connect ideas.
I do hope to see an improved essay in your next post.