MYSELF
My family has sacrificed a lot for eighteen years to bring me to place where I now stand. Throughout these years, my family especially my parents always stood by me as I tried to find a forte in life. I have three sisters and a younger brother who made growing up interesting and full of fun. I live in Negeri Sembilan. I belong to a stable family which has helped me in pursuing my passions for committed research in education. Even though, many people are of the opinion that failure is their best friend but for me, failure is my bane. I am not ashamed to admit that I am afraid of failure. This trepidation of failure to me is an attribute that is necessary for success. A person who is in tune with his emotions has control over his life and accomplishment.
I have always been a star student. My previous primary school was SK Bandar Baru Salak Tinggi and I got 5 A's in Ujian Penilaian Sekolah Rendah . My secondary school was SAM Bandar Baru Salak Tinggi. I got 9 A's in Penilaian Menengah Rendah. Then, I moved to Kolej Islam Sultan Alam Shah and managed to get 11 As in Sijil Penilaian Malaysia. Besides studies, I am active in co-curricular activities. An example of this is the recent National service at Kem PLKN Warisan Masjid Tanah that I took part in. I also took part in a National Chemistry Quiz for which I got Merit. Also, I presented my school in Boarding School Hockey Tournament. Furthermore, I was vice president for the Basketball Club at my school.
I am a very determine person. I build my own path and flow of my future education. I plan to pursue my studies as an undergraduate medical student in Ireland. I must attend one year foundation at selected local institute. I have doing some research on universities and I found my own target university. Royal College of Surgeon is offer one of the best undergraduate medical course in the world which is also one of renowned university sponsored by MARA. After five years of studying medical, I will go back to Malaysia and contribute to my beloved country.
I really want to be a doctor. Even though some people think it an unimaginative job, for my family it isn't so. My father and my elder sister are aircraft technicians and another of my sister is an aircraft engineer. So, coming from a family which thrives on imagination, challenges and innovations I decided I want to be a specialist in cardiology. Cardiology is classified as an internal medicine sub specialty. A cardiologist is a physician who is certified to treat problems of the cardiovascular system. Thus, I am confident that my ambition to pursue medicine as a future focus of study is the perfect culmination of my childhood experiences. Plus, to contribute to my country, Malaysia as well as to whole world.
# this actually for my scholarship, so i really need your help, and your comment
Even though i did a little correction in your SoP, i am of the opinion that it lacks that IT factor that can make it stand out from the rest of the applications. Scholarship competitions are really tough and SoP is the single most important thing that tells you apart from the rest of the pile.
You want to be a doctor...Discuss some events from your life that made you interested in pursuing a degree in medicine...I like the imagination and creativity part...Try to link that with your experiences...
Dicussing about your hobbies is good but they should gel in with the overall essay and what you are answering. Right now its like four paragraphs of i did this and this and in the last paragraph almost as a final thought you decided you wanted to write...Oh, and yeah, i want to be a doctor. Whatever!
As a first draft though, it was fine...Keep working on it.
Best of luck
can i have the SoP that you mention....
sorry because it my first time, and i do not know the right to do it.
please, i really need your help
Work on your second draft and i will help you out on that. Whens the application dead line for this scholarship?
Nurul, I hope it is easy to understand the GREAT ideas Waqas provided. For example:
My families family has sacrificed a lot for eighteen years to make me what I am right now (...or a lot for eighteen years to bring me to place where i now stand. This is a nice suggestion.
Waqas, I'm impressed. Thanks for the great work you have been doing here to help people.
...most of people say failure could be their best friend, but, as for me, I am not ashamed to admit that I am afraid to fail. (Now add one more sentnce to tell why you ar afraid to fail. Is it because your parents have sacrificed so much to ensure your success?) After adding one more sentence, end that first paragraph.
Start paragraph 2:
This fear of failure make me always try harder than anyone else in any fields that I explore. involved with. ...
:-) I look forward to seeing that next draft!
i will try for the second draft...
thank you for your help
the application date line is 13 april
this is my second draft, but i am sure it still need a lot of improvement.
i already do all the correction from my first draft and add a little bit also.
and i still need a lot of help.
please...
You ever went on those roadtrips where the road is so bumpy that you didnt get a chance to appreciate nature the whole way? This is what it felt like.. You have A LOT to offer, trust me, You just need time...But the good news is that we are getting there so cheer up.
INTRODUCTION
The problem here is that the essay starts too abruptly... you could start off with idk maybe " I have heard people saying that the strongest support system in the whole world is family. For me this actually holds true. My family has sacrificed a lot for eighteen years to bring me to a place where I now stand. Throughout these years, my family especially my parents have always stood by me as I tried to find a forte in life. I have three sisters and a younger brother who made growing up interesting and full of fun. I live in Negeri Sembilan. (what type of place is Negeri Sembilan?How did growing up there effect you?) I belong to a stable family which has helped me in pursuing my passions for committed research in education learning (the line gets too intellectual here as the reader doesnt even know your research interests) .
Even though, many people are of the opinion that failure is their best friend but for me, failure is my bane. I am not ashamed to admit that I am afraid of failure. This trepidation of failure to me is an attribute that is necessary for success. A person who is in tune with his emotions has control over his life and accomplishment. (This just leaps at us out of the blue, Proper insertion required!)
ABOUT YOUR SCHOOL LIFE
As an eighteen (age?) year old boy, I find that life for me has been a process of continuous evolution. The values and morals imbibed in me by my parents and mentors alike have contributed to my development - physical and intellectual. This is evident by my curricular and co-curricular records which have always been excellent. Even though we moved alot and I had to change various schools - which would be hard on any student - I managed to score(im guessing you changed a lot of schools from what i read) 5A's in ______, 7 A's in ____, 11 A's in ____. In addition to this,I have always been active in co-curricular activities. An example of this is the recent National service at Kem PLKN Warisan Masjid Tanah that I took part in. I also took part in a National Chemistry Quiz for which I got Merit. Also, I presented my school in Boarding School Hockey Tournament. Furthermore, I was vice president for the Basketball Club at my school.
ABOUT YOUR HOBBIES
I thought you should have added the part with the imagination.Anyways, its your decision.
ABOUT YOUR ASPIRATIONS
I am a very determined person. I pave my own path and flow of my future education. (Ummm,not sure about this) I plan to pursue my studies as an undergraduate medical student in Ireland. I must attend one year foundation at selected local institute. I have been doing some research on universities and I found my own target university. Royal College of Surgeon is offers one of the best undergraduate medical courses in the world which and is also one of renowned university sponsored by MARA(Acronym) . After five years of studying medical ine, I willwould like to go back to Malaysia and contribute to the progress of my beloved country.( How? Is there a specific thing that you are aiming for?)
CONCLUSION
I really want to be a doctor. Even though some people think it an unimaginative job, for my family it isn't so. My father and my elder sister are aircraft technicians and another of my sister is an aircraft engineer. So, coming from a family which thrives on imagination, challenges and innovations I decided I want to be aplan on specialisting in cardiology.(Your specialization should be in the second last paragraph-aspirations)Cardiology is classified as an internal medicine sub specialty. A cardiologist is a physician who is certified to treat problems of the cardiovascular system.Thus, I am confident that my aspirations of pursuing medicine is the perfect culmination of my childhood experiences.(What childhood experiences??) Plus, to contribute to my country, Malaysia as well as to whole world.(Actually the last two lines are redundant!)
Ok so now what you need to work on:
Education
In the part about your education, give us an example of how you developed this affinity for medicine. Did you help an injured friend? Did you volunteer for a hospital? Did you like biology in school? what parts of it? The intricacy of the human respiratory system? the way eye captures an inverted image which is corrected by a complicated matrix of rods and cones? give us something so we know YOU know something about what you are talking about.
Conclusion
Merge this line somehow in your conclusion to get a strong ending...So, coming from a family which thrives on imagination, challenges and innovations...
INTRODUCTION
ME, MYSELF and MY FUTURE
I have heard people saying that the strongest support system in the whole world is family. For me this actually holds true. My family has sacrificed a lot for eighteen years to bring me to a place where I now stand. Throughout these years, my family especially my parents have always stood by me as I tried to find a forte in life. I have three sisters and a younger brother who made growing up interesting and full of fun. I live in Nilai, Negeri Sembilan. It is a small, developing town with a commitment to education; this environment and the fact that I belong to a stable family have helped me in cultivating my passion for learning.
As an eighteen year old girl, I find that life for me has been a process of continuous evolution. The values and morals imbibed in me by my parents and mentors alike have contributed to my development physical and intellectual. This is evident by my curricular and co-curricular records which have always been excellent. Even though we moved alot and I had to change various schools - which would be hard on any student - I managed to score 5A's in Ujian Penilaian Sekolah Rendah, 9 A's in Penilaian Menengah Rendah, 11 A's in Sijil Penilaian Menengah. I am not ashamed to admit that I am afraid of failure. When I was in fourth grade, I hated Biology because I failed my mid-term examination. This trepidation of failure made me a strong person in a way that I started to pay extra attention to the course of Biology and as a result scored a B+ (Specify the grade... I am guessing you scored a B+) in my final examination. It was this moment in my life that I finally began to appreciate Biology for what it really was: The rhythmic beat of a heart; Blossoming of a flower; Capturing of an image by the eye - "Life" was Biology. I started spending time to learn more about the subject and my pursuits led me a detailed study of a human body: How a body is made of systems that are made up of a few organs that are made up of tissues which result from a systematic arrangement of cells. I knew I had found my perfect ambition. I wanted to be a Doctor.
In addition to this, I have always been active in co-curricular activities. An example of this is the recent National service at Kem PLKN Warisan Masjid Tanah that I took part in. I also took part in a National Chemistry Quiz for which I got Merit. Also, I presented my school in Boarding School Hockey Tournament. Furthermore, I was vice president for the Basketball Club at my school.
Another important aspect of my personality is that I am an avid reader and follower of cartoons. The reason for this is that I strongly believe in creativity through imagination and creative novels like Harry Potter pique my imagination. Reading paves ways for newer lines of thinking which I try to apply in real life like planning experiments and solving problems. At times to tend to overdo it but this further helps in brushing up my creative thinking skills not forgetting to mention the extra credit that I get from my teachers.
I made a resolution to spend some time, every day, learning something new about biology. I pave my own path and flow of my future education. I plan to pursue my studies as an undergraduate medical student in Ireland. I must attend one year foundation at selected local institute. I have been doing some research on universities and I found my own target university. Royal College of Surgeon offers one of the best undergraduate medical courses in the world and is also sponsored by Majlis Amanah Rakyat. After five years of studying medicine, I plan on specializing in cardiology I would like to go back to Malaysia and contribute to the progress of my beloved country such as identifying the scope of Malaysia Health care System and improve it to maximum standard.
My vision of future service as a doctor keeps me inspired and gives me the energy I need to succeed. Even though some people think it an unimaginative job, for my family it isn't so. My father and my elder sister are aircraft technicians and another of my sister is an aircraft engineer. So, coming from a family which thrives on imagination, challenges and innovations I of pursuing medicine is the perfect culmination of our world situation right now which are natural disasters and unexpected new diseases. Doctor and other medical authorities are needed more than ever to help nurse the world.
where do i suppose to merge the education part?
thanks a lot for the correction....
still a lot i need to learn...
i am so sorry, i try my best to improve it
i am not sure there still some mistakes... and i hope you can help me to find it
EDIT
this is my full essay...
thank you to everyone that have help me in working with this essay
now, i just need to prepare for interview.
thanks again
buddy buddy buddy, I only gave headings to your individual essays so that you knew what you were to discuss in it. Headings are not required in this sort of essay. and the corrections for the education part that i suggested you should merge in with your second paragraph "about your school life"
No worries, relax.
You are getting there.
i know about the heading, i just want to make sure it right before make it into paragraph..
just to make sure i am not out of the blue again...
you think my essay is already done or still need some adjustment
EF_kevin. thank you for your advice. i will fix it
thanked again for helping me
cute angle- yes, of course i am glad to help....
