Hey everyone! NTU admission deadline is coming up and i need your help in reviewing the scholarship essay that i made. All comments and critics are gladly accepted. Thanks for all the help in advance!
always aim for the best
There are many things that I regret doing in the past, but there are many more that I regret not doing.
Some years ago, I used to be what people would refer to as "average". My grades were acceptable, though I had no special talents that I could be proud of. Since young, I had always been a fast learner. Had I put in more effort and hard work to strive to become the best in class, I could have. Unfortunately the past-me thought otherwise. I only used that gift merely to reduce the amount of time I had to spend learning.
When my parents urged me to apply to a prestigious high school, I was more than reluctant to do so. Not only were my existing friends applying for a different, more expensive school, but also it would mean that I have to study harder to keep up my grades, as the school to which I was applying was protuberant for having paramount standards for grades.
Not really expecting any outcome, I studied, took the exam, and to my surprise, I passed the selection. That experience had a tremendous impact on my life. I learnt that nothing is truly impossible, and I will not know the outcome before I try. Now, not only do I perform better academically, I also learnt to organize things based on their importance in addition to giving every challenge my all.
"Aim small, miss small" is a saying in which I strongly believe. It has inspired me to always aim for the best and hence I am certain that I am well suited to face the challenges that NTU will offer me. I am confident that the values I possess is a great asset to be had by NTU.
Hi, I think you are so modest in the essay. You should not include sentence like" I used to be what people would refer to as "average". My grades were acceptable, though I had no special talents that I could be proud of". Be more confident and talk about your shining points instead. Also, it is better to present yourself as one with clear purpose and strong determination.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,529 3445
Benedict, if you want to lose out on the scholarship, then this is the essay that you should submit to the review committee. You have such a negative and defeatist attitude in this essay that it sounds like you are not interested in pursuing an academic degree nor do you value academic excellence. There are no admirable values or beliefs in this essay that would encourage the reviewer to consider your application as one that is worthy of a second look. Actually, after the first sentence, it isn't even worth a continued reading. This is a failure as a scholarship application essay. However, it does have one saving grace. The last paragraph is perfect for the opening statement of your revised essay. It allows you to open the new version on a hopeful note. Think of what makes you a good student and what academic accomplishments you have because of your beliefs and your admirable traits as a student. Think about what makes you special as a person, as a student, as a son. Use those traits to develop your more appropriate and revised essay. Hopefully, it will sound less like gloom and doom (as this one is) and more sunshine and silver lining in terms of presentation.
Thank you so much for the feedback and ideas. Now that you have said it, it does seem too pessimistic and gloomy. I shall come up with better ideas, as well as add a more positive touch to it. Will keep you posted.