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'alleviating the financial burden' - How will this scholarship help you?


Strawberry78 4 / 52  
Jun 25, 2012   #1
Hi, I am currently applying for a scholarship that requires a loaded response to a prompt which is "Describe (in 300 words or less) how the scholarship would help you achieve your goals and describe the major you plan to pursue at our university, as well as your activities and interests." Any suggestions on how to improve it or make it more emotional. Your help is deeply appreciated. Thank you.

Ever since I was a little girl, I have been intrigued with the processes of the brain and how they manifested in each individual. I questioned what was happening within someone's mind that drove him or her to act in a certain way. I propelled myself into researching anything from disorders to optical illusions to grasp an understanding of this unique organ, the brain, and how I could influence, in a positive manner, how people interact with reality. After learning so much, I felt compelled to help others by changing the way they perceive the world. Through painstaking research, I discovered the benefits of psychiatry. I yearn to one day become one because it contains the best of both worlds: using past research to efficiently assist a client and using, or doing, current research to further understand the complexities of the brain. Going to your university and majoring in biology will expose me to on-the-job situations I will face during my career as a psychiatrist.

By alleviating the financial burden in my life, my energy will be focused on assuring my education and extracurricular activities are geared towards the success of my future career which is helping others change their perception of the world. I hope to discover activities that I will not only enjoy, but also strengthen my leadership and communication skills to ensure the success of my future career. I am currently looking for community service opportunities, like working with kids because I am interested in continuing the tutoring and leadership activities I did at All Children Excel in School (ACES). I also want to be involved in intramural tennis as well as a program like Forensics which will provide strong building blocks for my communication skills.

All of these activities I plan on participating in are leading me down a path to becoming a successful individual during my stay at your university and in the future. With the help of this scholarship, my possibilities are endless.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jun 26, 2012   #2
Going to your university and majoring in biology will expose me to on-the-job situations I will face during my career as a psychiatrist.

You writing style has helped your ideas to flow beautifully up to this point. However, I feel the part "Going to your universtiy" breaks that flow. I prefer if you say it a bit differently;

Majoring in biology in your universtiy will expose me to on-the-job situations I will face during my career as a psychiatrist.

With the help of this scholarship, my possibilities are endless.

or my opportunities?
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Jun 29, 2012   #3
Hello strawberry,
Interesting goal you have. Reading the prompt, I felt you could strengthen your essay by being more specific! My wording suggestions are in italics and questions in CAPS:

Prompt: Describe (in 300 words or less) how the scholarship would help you achieve your goals and describe the major you plan to pursue at our university, as well as your activities and interests."

It is interesting to know things like(do you mean "understand"??) outside influences (add that[i]??) that alter the foundation of a memory. Constantly delving into brain processes (WOULD HELP IF YOU COULD BE MORE SPECIFIC ABOUT HOW YOU DELVED INTO BRAIN PROCESSES - GIVE AN EXAMPLE) coupled with constantly analyzing others (WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THIS? ANALYZING OTHERS IS A BIG GENERALITY WITHOUT SPECIFICS. BTW - you used "constantly" twice) sparked my interest towards a psychiatric career path. I yearn to one day become one (CLARIFY IF YOU INTEND TO BE A PRACTICING PSYCHIATRIST AND RESEARCHER??) because it contains the best of both worlds: using past research to efficiently assist a client and using, or doing, current research to further understand the complexities of the brain. Going to University of ******* and majoring in biology will expose me to on-the-job situations (HOW WILL BIOLOGY EXPOSE YOU TO ON-THE JOB SITUATIONS??)and build a base for my career.

"While at the university, my alleviated financial status (THIS TERM ALLEVIATED IS NOT OPTIMAL - HOW ABOUT REWORDING - "this scholarship will enable me to"

SUGGEST THAT YOU ORGANIZE THE ACTIVITIES YOU LIST TO PROVIDE A COMPREHENSIVE PROFILE (community work, tutoring (what subject) kids (what age) and what exactly you will do in the Forensics program.)

"All of these activities I plan on participating in are leading me down a path to becoming a successful individual during my stay at ******* and in the future. My opportunities are endless (THIS IS TOO GENERAL, BE SPECIFIC WHAT OPP'TY YOU WANT TO REACH) with the help of this scholarship.


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