This is for a scholarship (40k) at a Canadian university. No specific word count (it's added to a PDF to be printed). Any tips would be appreciated!
Describe your academic and career goals. How will your education at the University of Alberta help you achieve them?
It is a well known fact that the University of Alberta is a superb research university, and for me, matriculating would be a dream coming true because I am yearning to receive its post-secondary education. The U of A is the best place for me to pursue the knowledge of sustainable engineering due to its inspiring experience that hosts the best professors, research, and extracurricular activities. Together, these aspects will mold me into a well rounded citizen.
My ambition of civil engineering sparks from my youth, when I became fascinated with the skyscrapers that towered my neighborhood. Since then, I have sketched concept art and constructed models with LEGO and balsa wood to express my creativity. I have also travelled through many places and discovered many engineering masterpieces. It is the design process that fuels my interest: molding an idea into something real and concrete. When the words "climate change" entered my vocabulary, I relished the idea to preserve the environment by incorporating ecological principles with the beauty of design. Together with my outgoing personality and curiosity, I can encourage the flow of ideas and learn about new innovations to apply to this field. The U of A can grant me its comprehensive education for me to pay respect to this relationship.
I see the university as an extension of who I am: creativity, culture, inspiration, and even a little charm. With more than 37,000 students, it is a metaphor for the world: a hub for people of various backgrounds to explore each other's passions and company. As a part of the learning environment the U of A hosts, a wealth of understanding exists in the professors and students who often perform enlightening research. The school's resources are almost unlimited and fully capable of providing me with the information I need to achieve my dreams. I also want to broaden my green ideas that are already exemplified through joining the Environmental Coordination Office of Students and the Campus Community Garden that is showcasing environmentally friendly agriculture techniques.
Currently, I am facing a major obstacle in my life: my father was diagnosed with liver cancer last summer. The news came as a shock and forced me to reassess life. Even though my father holds high hopes for his diagnosis, I try to conceal my emotional turmoil. However, after participating in university level research at the Canadian Center for Behavioral Neuroscience, I was re-energized and re-determined to do my best in my final year of high school and extracurricular activities. This ordeal has also taught me self discipline: to not be complacent - instead I should be driven to make the most of my life. My respect for my parents is greater as I do not want to waste their sacrifices for my potential. Not only would attending a prestigious institution make them incredibly proud, but I would have no regrets in my education.
As I am on my quest to define myself, I also recognize the value of life and aspire to appreciate everything that dwells within it. Challenges like this have strengthened my resolve to continue with my life, but with savings alone, I am unable to afford for world class education. With this scholarship I can focus on schoolwork and research instead of working at a job to pay for tuition and rooming because I believe education is my first priority as a student. If provided, this scholarship will also enhance my applications for internships. In addition to my need, I want to show my parents my admiration by using the money saved from this award towards my father's treatments.
With my academic potential and idiosyncratic energy, I would be an amazing addition to the U of A since I am keen to utilize what I have learned. Not only will I flourish amidst engaging students and talented professors, but I believe the application of my ideas and knowledge can be a significant contribution to the environmental preservation of society. I expect to give back to the community because the U of A's holistic experience would be the perfect experience for me to continue to grow on.
In that first sentence, you only thing you accomplish is to make me think about the word matriculating. The rest is just fluff, meaningless high speech.
I want to try to give you an idea about how to write in a substantial way:
express my creativity.
Here is the first sentence of your essay:
I have also travelled through many places and discovered many engineering masterpieces.---It is a beautiful., meaningful sentence that expresses the fact that you have developed your intellectual interest through experience. But if you can change "places" to a more colorful noun, it will be better.
After that great first sentence, continue an intro paragraph about sustainable engineering. Do not include any fluff about being a well rounded citizen, Nobody cares about that, and nobody cares about the legos.
As I continue to read, I find no more fluff. This is high quality writing.
I see the university as an extension of who I am---perfect
Currently, I am facing a major obstacle in my life: my father ...---Another great paragraph. I wish you all the best. I have heard great things about megadoses of vitamin C. Watch a documentary called "Food Matters." You will be interested!!
Okay, great job, sorry to be so critical of the intro. May you never again include fluffy, insubstantial sentences in an essay.
