Your ambitions and career plan- Sports Management Scholarship essay.

Hi,
I am applying for a schoraship to study Sports management in the UK. As such I need help editing a response to the following essay question. ( word limit 300. My response goes to 327 words). Also have I addressed the essay question correctly? Deadline is 8th of May. Please help...

-[b]Please explain your ambitions and career plan. ( 300 words)[/b]
AS a professional athlete who played the game of Cricket at a good level, I always felt that for India to become a sporting giant, we needed a paradigm shift in the way we looked at Sport. This is what inspired me to pursue a career in sport, going beyond just being a player on the field. Put simply, my ambition is to "Change the way sport is played in our country". And to achieve this, the key areas that I wish to make an impact on are as follows:

1.Create a sporting Culture: - Sport is not only about medals. It teaches us how to compete, learn how to win and lose. In fact sport teaches values more than textbooks in a class room. Hence sport should be an integral part of education. As part of my current job with a company which focuses on Sport in education, I have seen how the right kind of training can create a love for sport among the youth.

2.Develop the Business of Sport:- One of the main reasons I wish to study Sport management is understanding how to monetise sport. I firmly believe that the success of Europe and America in sport comes from the fact that they have a successful sports industry. How do successful franchises and leagues function? This is what I want to learn and put that learning into practice.

3.Bring professionalism in sport training:- Sports coaching in India still follows the subjective teaching methodology. There is no scientific progression in it and this affects training and performance. Post my training in the Sciences and technology of Coaching held at the AISTS Academy (set up by the IOC) in Switzerland, I realised what a huge impact sports science has on the performance of elite athletes. Hence , I would continue to strive hard towards bringing such know-how and incorporate them in the way we train our athletes to create champions in sport.

I am also putting forth my response to the second question for the Scholarship. Please go through this everyone.Any suggesions, corrections( grammatical or otherwise) are most welcome. Please help me prepare the best response for these essays.

-Please explain how the programme you wish to study will help your career and personal development.( 600 words)

It's the last ball of the match. We need to score 5 runs off it to win, a win that would make us champions. Surveying the field placements, I pick my spot. Then the crucial moment comes, the ball is delivered. I go deep within the crease and bang! The ball sails over the rope for a six!

I was 12 when I began playing sport and it has been a major part of my life ever since. Both as a player and now as a professional working in the sports industry I am living a dream. A job where I love the work, can contribute, and can't wait to get to work. It is this passion for sport that has always encouraged me to keep learning and push myself to be the best I can be. Hence, in order to enhance my career in sport, I need a programme that will enable me to develop sector specific knowledge and build on my experiences through a structured programme of study.

SEE BELOW

Regarding your first prompt, I feel you have well dealt with the "ambition" part explaining that you wish to contribute for a paradigm shift in the field of sports in your country. However, I feel it deals more with a vision for your country and have less emphasis on your personal career development. As per the prompt, I'm of the view that you need to talk about your specific career plan aswell.... what you want to be in the future!

Some help with your word limit;

ASs a professional athlete who played the game of Cricket at a good leveland a cricketer , I always felt that for India to become a sporting giant, we neededneeds a paradigm shift in the way we looked at Ss portsto emerge as a sporting giant . This is what inspired me to pursue a career in sport, going beyond just being a player on the field. (a powerful sentence that justifies your ambition to the reader)PutsS imply, my ambition is to "Change the way sport is played in our country".

I feel you should stop at that point and break for another para.... then mention those key areas that in your view are the most important in making this paradigm shift. Without trying to explain them in details, tell that you wish to acquire knowledge to make an impact in these areas for your career plan. Tell them what you want to be in short term and then long term.

Hope my suggestions are helpful :)

Dear Imran,

Your revised version reads well. It's indeed a logical answer with depth. I only feel that if you could specifically say what you want to be in the short term, i mean your desired career position by which you can contribute to these areas, your answer would be more focused to the prompt. Even as it is, I feel you have written it very professionally. Good work! :)

It's the last ball of the match. We need to score 5 runs off it to win, a win that would make us champions. Surveying the field placements, I pick my spot. Then the crucial moment comes, the ball is delivered. I go deep within the crease and bang! The ball sails over the rope for a six! ----------------- beautiful!!

It is thisMy passion for sportsthat has always encouraged me to keep learning and push myselfadvancing my knowledge and skills and striving to be the best I can be.Hence, in order to enhance my career in sport, I need a programme that will enable me to develop sector specific knowledge and build on my experiences through a structured programme of study.This now prompts me the need of following a structured programme of study that help me develop sector specific knowledge while enabling me to build on my experiences.------------- I rephrased it for you, but your way is also good. Just a suggestion! :)

Your 3rd,4th and 5th paras talk about your background - skills, talents, experience and achievements etc. That is good.... but I feel again that distracts you from the focal point of the prompt. It asks you how this program going to help you achieve your career dreams and personal growth. In my view, you have not adequately addressed it. I suggest you should bring everything you spoke in 3,4 and 5th paras into one para that briefly talks about your background and capabilities that would help you stand out among others for the schol. And talk more and in detail how the contents and exposure of this program going to contribute to your career advancement and personal growth... As for ideas - in addition to acquisition of knowledge and skills you can also talk about networking opportunities, broadening your perspectives, getting exposed to high-tech environments etc.etc... you are the sports guy and you know better :D

Anyways.... I must commend you for your excellent writing skills in English! Very clear with a beautiful flow.... very impressive!!!!!
Good Luck with your schol!!!!!!

Hello Mr. De Silva!

I am extremely thankful for your appreciation and valuable feedback. Really it has helped me answer the questions in the right way.
Regarding your suggestions for my second essay questions, I managed to squeeze in a short para at the end explaining the benefits. I wish I can add more.

Really, if only I had more time with this.Pushing the deadline to its limit at the momment.

PLEASE, go through it . Does it carry the flow correctly? Even as I go through it one last time, I would be happy to incorporate any important additions to it . Would appreciate a quick response.

It's the last ball of the match. We need to score 5 runs off it to win, a win that would make us champions. Surveying the field placements, I pick my spot. Then the crucial moment comes, the ball is delivered. I go deep within the crease and bang! The ball sails over the rope for a six!

I was 12 when I began playing sport and it has been a major part of my life ever since. Both as a player and now as a professional working in the sports industry I am living a dream. A job where I love the work, can contribute, and can't wait to get to work. My passion for sports has always encouraged me to keep learning and advance my skills to be the best I can be. This now prompts me the need to follow a structured programme of study that would help me develop sector specific knowledge while enabling me to build on my experiences.

SEE BELOW

Studying sports management in the UK this year also comes with an added opportunity to experience the Olympic legacy. There is no bigger event in sports than the Olympics. A chance to closely analyse best practices implemented to harness the sporting, economic, cultural, and environmental benefits of hosting such an event would be the best experiential learning to compliment my academic learning's at the university.

Hence, for these reasons I strongly believe that the decision to complete my Masters in Sport Management at a UK university would provide me with the necessary tools to further enhance my contribution towards the growth and development of sport in India.

a very good material and appropriate feedbacks given! i am happy to learn just by reading ! :) thanks

Hi Imran,

Glad that my feedback has helped you..Thanks for the appreciation too :) However, I am a female (you can find me in the contributor page for more detail :D) and you can always call me dumi without any formalities :D


This is good. Wish you could add at least one more sentence at the end, how the contents of your intended programme is going to help you in this regard. If you know the contents of the programme try to link them to show it would definetly help your personal growth and career advancement

I just checked your word count and found it exceeds the limit by extra 82 words. These are my suggestions for coming down on the count;

Being actively involved in sport never hampered my academic progress in any way. I topped my school in the 10th standard board exams;and also stood 5th in the merit list (Pune division) forat the 12th board exams. I was awarded the Best Disciplined Student prize for my all round excellence. My most rewarding experiences, however, were outside of the classroom associated with sport. As a professional cricketer representing JMJ sports Academy (Pune), I toured the UK playing matches against the likes of Michael Vaughn Cricket Academy and the M.C.C (Marlyborne Cricket Club). Later as a volunteer for Global Xchange I worked for a charity in London setting up a project which used sports and music as a means to engage teenagers who were not in education, employment or training. Theisexperience made me realise the importance of Voluntary sector in getting everyone involved in Sport.

I currently work for a company called 'Kooh Sports Pvt Ltd' which specializes in sport education management solutions. As a Senior Coach at 'Kooh Sports Pvt Ltd', a company specilizing in sport education managements solutions, I heading operations based at one of the schools we partner withour partnering schools.I amBeing the single point of contact (SPOC) between the school and the company thus playingI play a vital role in delivering an International Sports and Fitness Programme specially tailored to meet the requirements of Indian students.

In my quest to further enhance my knowledge and skills, I have alsoalso enrolled myself with foran Oregan based online certification course in Sports Business Management from Sports Management Worldwide, Oregon, USA . (i feel you dont have to give more detailed info here as their question is on something else)From the weekly worldwide audio chats with Dr. Lashbrook( Founder SMWW)I wish to knowlearn more about American sport andwhile building mya network with people in sport. By fF ollowing this up with a Masters in Sports Management from a university in UK, I'll gain exposure inwillhelp me acquiresports management expertise from two different countries with highly developed but very differentdistinct sports management and business and sports systems.


This is good :)


you can even do away with this if you want to cut down the number of words!
Contact me should you need any further assistance. I enjoyed helping you with this. :) Good luck again!

Dumi! Apologies for the presumption...I really appreciate you taking the time to edit this.

However, I am not sure about the word count exceeding part. How did you get at it? because my microsoft word counter says it is all of 577 words and I also hand counted the same to cross check.

Please let me know regarding the same as it is confusing me .

Thanks...

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.... no ... I just joked. It made me laugh when I saw you got my gender confused ....lol

Sorry... I just copied and pasted on a word sheet and I think I've got a wrong count. You are well within... sorry about confusing you.

Dumi! I have submitted my essay finally and its all done! (sigh)
Wish had more time to make it better....

Now I can only wait to see its fate :( hehe...
dat apart I am glad to have joined this website or else I wouldnt have recieved the guidence such as yours!

Thanks once again...

God Bless!

You are welcome Imran!!!!! .... glad to have been able to help u. I collect good pieces of writing on this forum and yours is also in my section of scholarships :) I'm confident that you stand a good chance for this schol and wish you good luck with it!!!!

If you have free time keep giving feedbacks to others coz you have excellent writing skills.
cheers!