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Ambitious things in life - ugrad SOP


KenChicken 1 / -  
Sep 20, 2022   #1
Requirements:

Please submit a personal statement. The essay should be between 200-250 words and should provide a clear and detailed description of:

Your interests and personality
Your academic objectives
Your goals related to your field of study and personal development
The reasons why you wish to pursue them in the U.S.A and how it relates to your interests and future objectives
The essay is an essential part of the selection process and of your application for placement into an appropriate program. Be sure to include any details that highlight your personality and individuality.


I have written and shortened it to the best of my abilities but in doing so I feel like it has lost it's charm. Can you guys review my essay and advice me on how I can improve the personal factor? I would really appreciate it

personal statement



Essay:

As far as I remember I always wanted to do bigger and ambitious things in life. Even from my early life, roaming the streets of Daharki, a rural area that had little to no opportunities for those who wanted to do something more unique than following the tradition, I knew I wanted to explore rather than be left behind in this town. My father realized my dreams and encouraged me to go and study in Karachi and fully dedicate myself to the life I yearned for.

Although the cultural differences made me lag behind initially, since then I have settled well and tried my best at being academically sufficient. Along the way, I acquired deep knowledge through seminars and while working on team projects. Eventually, this led to my appreciation for technology.

As a programmer and philanthropist, I want technology to do some good instead of misleading people and breaching their trust. My dream is to have my own organization that contributes to the world. In the past, I have tried to organize such events but always felt limited to the scale I could reach. Technology has provided me with an opportunity to broaden my scope and reach new heights.

America is one of the most fascinating countries and exploring the pluralistic culture alone is worth the reason to visit. However, my main reason is to further my understanding of the software industry. Exploring the industry in America would give me more exposure and allow me to understand the fundamentals of what makes American software houses so dominant in the world and try to replicate that success here in Pakistan.

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Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,221 4319  
Sep 21, 2022   #2
The statement is so general and common in its content that it is actually boring to read. It lacks very much in reader interaction. It does not engage the imagination of the reviewer with an interesting personality and goals. This feels like a template response meant to help the writer place correct information, but not how to write it.

The applicant needs to be more open in his writing. It must be character and purpose driven. This is the guide towards doing that, not the answer. All of the responses are just too short and lacking information to make an impact. Show how the candidate embodies the explanation. This paper has absolutely 0 impact on the reviewer.
Chukwuagozie 2 / 3  
Sep 28, 2022   #3
This part of the essay has not been able to address any of the questions listed above. academic objectives and interests should be clearly stated and specific. You should be able to show how you previous experiences shaped your decision to choose the particular program.
leo0528 1 / 4  
Sep 30, 2022   #4
I think you should try to give more personal motivations into your SOP in order to be an outstanding applicant!


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