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Short answer UT Austin Scholarship - describing myself. Quality? What order should sentences go in?

charleto9 3 / 5  
Jan 12, 2019   #1

describing yourself, your life, and your experiences

The prompt is write five sentences describing yourself, your life, and your experiences that taken together form an accurate view of who you are.
This is an opportunity to be creative! Do not just repeat information straight from your resume. These are my five sentences.

1. America is often said to be the land of opportunity and as the son of two Nigerian immigrants who came to this country with nothing, I am proud to say that I have given truth to this statement.

2. My peers may say my 4-year stint in the band was just a geek "phase", but to me band gave me a deep found love for all genres of music, and taught me how music effects emotions.

3. Different faces, voices, lifestyles, and cultures enrich my mindset every single day due to the fact that I was lucky enough to be born in the most diverse city in America, Houston.

4. On a beautiful Sunday morning, I travel to a place where I joyfully sing to praise and worship my God; a feeling that not only brings tears to my eyes but also spiritual food for my mental well-being.

5. Its Friday night, the stands are packed, the band is playing, and the crowd is screaming but as I stand on the yard line waiting for the ball to be snapped, all I can think about is how blessed I am to play the game that I love that simply isn't just a game; its a lifestyle that's taught me discipline, brotherhood,selflessness,courage, and so much more.

Please let me know if you have any other suggestions to improve the quality of these sentences.

Holt [Contributor] - / 7,489 1927  
Jan 13, 2019   #2
For starters, since America views religious beliefs as a debatable topic, it would be best for you not to make any mention of religion or worship practices at all in this essay. Not unless you are applying to a Christian university in which case, that discussion is almost mandatory. Your second sentence doesn't make sense to the reader. What band? Why was it a phase? Your explanation leaves more questions than information for the reader. You should have these sentences grouped in such a manner that keeps the fluidity of the presentation and discussion. The two band sentences should come one after another rather than spaced out. Your first sentence makes an unsupported claim. Unless you can prove how you prove the "American dream" statement within the same sentence, pick a less ambitious informational sentence topic. The clarity of your sentences are more important than the order of the sentences. The quality of your sentences are compromised due to the under developed information presentation. Try to add more information to the content to complete the thought or discussion process you are presenting to help the reviewer better understand where you are coming from with the sentences.
OP charleto9 3 / 5  
Jan 14, 2019   #3
Thanks for the advice!!

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