Hi guys,
Need help and advice on this essay describing why i want to get the scholarship and the place I chose. Whereas i didn't concentrate much on the choice of school, i tried to shed light on my background and how i think the scholarship will help me. please advise any changes and judge how good it is.
My interest and choices at a young age have been the decisive components of my life. Watching my brother learn to use a Pentium Two machine in 1999, my passion for computers came to the fore. From the age of twelve, I have been constantly searching for articles to work on computer technology. In a short time, my life had meaning and purpose and I feel at peace discovering the exciting, endless possibilities of artificial intelligence. More than anything I have ever done before, computing engages my imagination and offers an intuitive way to solving everyday problems. To improve my skills I became an avid contributor to Open Source Software. The experience helped me gain more confidence and I have learned to trust my natural instincts to problem solving. I noticed my ability to discern patterns and relationships between components helps me to learn and solve problems faster than most people. Despite no curriculum in computers at my local schools, I chose to follow what felt natural to me and continued to do even more research which culminated in excellent programming skills in PHP, MySQL, Java and Python. The liberating joy I found in creating solutions led to the creation of a network system for schools and students in my region to share scarce resources. Even though the project died an infant death due to lack of funding, it set my soul alight and intensified my desire to use computational methods to solve problems. I have faced many setbacks but I remain resolute and unfazed to reaching my destiny. I am applying for a scholarship in Computer Science because I feel I have a lot to offer to this field and with a good understanding of proper academic concepts and theory, I hope to be at the fore-front of this technology. As part of my studies and research, I would like to bring forth contributions to open source software and mobile platforms which can be used to benefit less privileged communities like where I come from. XX being one of the most renowned technology centres and with its culturally diverse environment is the best place for me to work hard and achieve my goals. Given my background and circumstances, granted this chance to work, and exchange ideas with other talented individuals, I will do for XX as much it would have done for me - giving me a life.
thanks
Dear Coolmac,
From the age of twelve, I have "been" constantly search"ing" for aritcles to "work" "on" computer technology.
try to rewrite correcting the sentence.
Thanks,
Fdrik
My interest and choices at a young age have been the decisive components of my life. bad first sentence. this sentence could be written by anyone, and it would be true. It is a truism, and it is not an interesting one.
Ahhh... now this is an interesting first sentence:
Watching my brother learn to use a Pentium Two machine in 1999, my passion for computers came to the fore. ---nicely written!
Use a comma:
The experience helped me gain more confidence, and I have ...
Nice ending. I think you did really well with this, but how about doing another paragraph break somewhere in that long paragraph.
Remember: one paragraph = one idea expressed in its topic sentence. Make it so that the essay hits the reader with a few clear, powerful ideas. Use paragraphs to organize and empower your ideas.
:-)
