Application essay for United World College (2017-19)

Hi, I'm Sabrina and I'm applying for UWC for the 2017-19 session. I'd really like some feedback/constructive criticism on my essay that I'm submitting along with my application. The topic was as follows:

A personal statement (within 300 words) explaining why you are interested in attending a UWC school/college and reflecting on UWC's mission and values, what you might contribute to the school/college and what you would hope to gain from the experience

About a year ago, I received an immense opportunity to go on an international excursion with 43 other nations to Gothenburg where I had to represent my nation and my culture. In other words, it was an adventure of a lifetime for me, one that taught me about multiculturalism, diversity, responsibility and self-dependence; one that I would like to take again. So I began my hunt for greater opportunities that could once again let me experience the magic behind multiculturalism and more importantly, help shape myself into a better person by being more open to diversity.

I had the incredible luck to come across UWC's website during one of my hunts, and was instantly enticed by what each school had to offer. Cultural exchange, the challenging IB curriculum, community service, extracurricular activities and plenty of time to have fun -all these are basically everything I could ask for in a journey of two years, specially being a person who likes to keep busy. Moreover, it seems incredible to me that so much can be done and learnt in this time span, and I'm definitely eager to take this ride.

In order to contribute to the UWC community, I believe I have the requisite skills and characteristics that would help make the two years in college productive and successful. To begin with, I am naturally comfortable with diversity and curious about different worldviews and belief systems, so I plan to learn a lot about the different cultures as well as let others know about mine. Furthermore, I am particularly keen to contribute to various social services and community projects because I want to make use of the experiences and knowledge I have gathered from working in different non-profit organizations throughout my life. Lastly, having been a sportsman all my life, I wish to be involved in any of UWC's sports team which I can help lead to victory; where I can form a bond with other players from different social and cultural backgrounds, and where I can make every player recognize their worth and help them face challenges together.

From experiencing two years at a UWC, I hope to achieve a deeper level of intercultural understanding so that I can become more globally engaged. I also aspire to gain meaningful social relationships across culturally diverse groups as well as learn to be more compassionate and understanding from doing the CAS program and similar service works. All in all, I am hoping to have the time of my life in these two years which will be a journey of self exploration, adventures and lots of learning.

The word limit was 300 and my essay ended up with well over 400 words. I could really use some help in deciding which parts should i cut off? like the ones that aren't relevant to the topic, in particular. I'd really appreciate the help, thank you SO MUCH.

Sabrina,in my opinion, you need to revise the content of the second paragraph. While I read the information and I recognize it's importance to you, it doesn't really reflect the necessary requirement of the essay. I believe that the word count could be reduced if you revise the paragraph to make it reflect a discussion of UWC's mission and values in relation to you as a person. I do not see that information in the overall sense of the current essay. So, since there is a missing element, you should pay attention to adding that element to the essay. This can successfully be done by removing the non-essential portion as I pointed out.

I can understand that you probably got excited when writing the essay so you forgot to refer to the requirements of the prompt. You need to make sure that the prompt elements are always responded to. Normally, an essay word count is guided by the prompt. If you provide the information required, you don't normally go over the word count. Or if you do, it isn't by 100 words. Try to do the revision I am suggesting. I believe it will work in your favor.

@Holt
Thank you so much for your time and help, i appreciate it a lot. As per your suggestion, I have cut off most parts of the second paragraph. However I'm quite confused on how I could "make it reflect a discussion of UWC's mission and values in relation to me as a person". I have used the whole of the third paragraph to discuss how I could contribute to UWC's mission and values, so I don't really know what more to add.

Thanks again for the help.

Sabrina, UWC has this vision of peace attained through a sustainable future. So that is their mission that you should try to relate to in your essay. Now, the values of the college covers the following:

International and intercultural understanding
Celebration of difference
Personal responsibility and integrity
Mutual responsibility and respect
Compassion and service
Respect for the environment
A sense of idealism
Personal challenge
Action and personal example
I have spoon-fed you the necessary information that you should reflect in your essay. It may require you to revise the content of your current essay. As the list of their values tends to run quite long, I would suggest that you just pick up to 3 of their values that you can relate to the most. Whichever values you feel you can embody and discuss in the essay should work just fine. Then add the information about what you can contribute to the college should you become a student there. Take your time in revising the essay. There is no rush to get it done immediately. Make sure you cover all the necessary points before you have it reviewed for content.