Hi, I'm Sabrina and I'm applying for UWC for the 2017-19 session. I'd really like some feedback/constructive criticism on my essay that I'm submitting along with my application. The topic was as follows:A personal statement (within 300 words) explaining why you are interested in attending a UWC school/college and reflecting on UWC's mission and values, what you might contribute to the school/college and what you would hope to gain from the experience
About a year ago, I received an immense opportunity to go on an international excursion with 43 other nations to Gothenburg where I had to represent my nation and my culture. In other words, it was an adventure of a lifetime for me, one that taught me about multiculturalism, diversity, responsibility and self-dependence; one that I would like to take again. So I began my hunt for greater opportunities that could once again let me experience the magic behind multiculturalism and more importantly, help shape myself into a better person by being more open to diversity.
I had the incredible luck to come across UWC's website during one of my hunts, and was instantly enticed by what each school had to offer. Cultural exchange, the challenging IB curriculum, community service, extracurricular activities and plenty of time to have fun -all these are basically everything I could ask for in a journey of two years, specially being a person who likes to keep busy. Moreover, it seems incredible to me that so much can be done and learnt in this time span, and I'm definitely eager to take this ride.
In order to contribute to the UWC community, I believe I have the requisite skills and characteristics that would help make the two years in college productive and successful. To begin with, I am naturally comfortable with diversity and curious about different worldviews and belief systems, so I plan to learn a lot about the different cultures as well as let others know about mine. Furthermore, I am particularly keen to contribute to various social services and community projects because I want to make use of the experiences and knowledge I have gathered from working in different non-profit organizations throughout my life. Lastly, having been a sportsman all my life, I wish to be involved in any of UWC's sports team which I can help lead to victory; where I can form a bond with other players from different social and cultural backgrounds, and where I can make every player recognize their worth and help them face challenges together.
From experiencing two years at a UWC, I hope to achieve a deeper level of intercultural understanding so that I can become more globally engaged. I also aspire to gain meaningful social relationships across culturally diverse groups as well as learn to be more compassionate and understanding from doing the CAS program and similar service works. All in all, I am hoping to have the time of my life in these two years which will be a journey of self exploration, adventures and lots of learning.
The word limit was 300 and my essay ended up with well over 400 words. I could really use some help in deciding which parts should i cut off? like the ones that aren't relevant to the topic, in particular. I'd really appreciate the help, thank you SO MUCH.