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Applying to AAS selection - studying in Australia's top university and career impact

siwbatkrg 1 / 3  
Jun 22, 2020   #1
Hi, Im applying to AAS selcection. Please do give feedback or review to one of my essays. Thank you so much!

How will the proposed study contribute to your career?

My lifelong dream is to become a diplomat who will live up to the good name of Indonesia on global platform. After graduation I want work for the Ministry of Foreign Affairs or ASEAN. I believe that I can actualize my dream with the opportunity from Australia Awards to pursue further study.

My experience studying in Australia's top university will give me adequate knowledge in the classical and contemporary theories of international relations to understand the ever-changing nature of global politics. It will serve as a lens to perceive global challenges as opportunities for further cooperation, instead of competition. The practical skills obtained from negotiation or diplomacy classes will equip me with the essential skills to convene peaceful dialogues, instead of disputes. Most importantly, studying in Australia's culturally diverse community will prepare me to work in a global environment as a future diplomat. In addition, the network of AAS alumni will facilitate cross-disciplinary initiatives among future global leaders. I will invest these competencies to optimize Indonesia's contribution to international community, one that fosters peaceful relations among nations.

My interest in empowering vulnerable community also drives me to be a diplomat. From my past experience working closely in managing aid for the Rohingya and Covid-19 in Southeast Asia, I believe that international cooperation is needed to serve the cause. Thus, classes like Humanitarianism, Gender and Politics, and Human Security will serve as the foundation for me to understand global politics and come up with the right solution. Furthermore, with the right cooperation, I can help facilitating Indonesia's community development as a diplomat. This actualizes the vision to have an inclusive society through an effective governance in local and global level.

With my future study experience and my interest, I can be the enterprising leader to make positive contributions for Indonesia.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,535 3447  
Jun 22, 2020   #2
This statement is running too long and only requires 2 of the existing paragraphs to become responsive to the prompt. If you will just retain paragraphs 1 and 2, then delete paragraph 3 and the last sentence, the response will be right on target. The first 2 paragraphs are the forward thinking kind of response that the reviewers are looking for. It is clear, makes a point, and allows the reviewer to foresee exactly how the scholarship can help you, even if you have indicated the terms in the essay. Implied words are highly effective in this instance. The third paragraph, is just a rundown of the classes you will be taking, but it doesn't really provide a career impact in the presentation. So you should just avoid that discussion, focusing on the targeted response instead.

You do not need to revise the content of the essay. You just need to remove the weak parts which could confuse the reviewer or make him remember the wrong or irrelevant information because it was presented last. Remember, people tend to remember what they read last instead of what they read first. So stick to presenting the relevant discussion. Make sure that is what the reviewer remembers your response for.
juliandika 1 / 3  
Jun 22, 2020   #3
Most of your answers have a point and very clear. My suggestion is remove unnecessarily sentence that make your point weak.
OP siwbatkrg 1 / 3  
Jun 22, 2020   #4
Thank you for your review! Very helpful indeed!
Julia77 1 / 3  
Jun 25, 2020   #5

This essay is relevant with the facts that the question is asking about. But, it is better to revise some sentence structure so that the viewer will get the presentation clearly.

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