I'm applying for Endeavour Scholarship & Fellowships Program in order to study in Australia and I'd like to receive some feedback about my essay. I applied for the Master of Actuarial Science (you can check what is Actuarial Science here en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Actuarial_science ).
Please explain how receiving an Endeavour scholarship or fellowship would make a difference to your personal life. (200 words)
benefiting other people with my daily work
I aspire to be a great actuary who can help develop Brazil. Unfortunately, I cannot continue my studies in my home country as there aren't postgraduate programmes in my field of study. So, to continue studying, I need to go abroad and Endeavour Scholarships would have an important role in achieving my personal goals. I'd have the opportunity to study at one of the best universities in the Actuarial Science field, to learn with renowned professors and to receive a stronger training. It'd change my life as it'd give me the needed background to become the great professional I want to be.
Brazil faces too many issues regarding its social security system mostly because there are a lack of qualified actuaries working there. Being a successful applicant of Endeavour would improve my educational, which would contribute to my ambitions of helping develop Brazilian public health and social security systems. This would make a difference in my life as it would allow me to work in favor of the society, improving the services of those important institutions and benefiting my community. Without Endeavour, I would be prevented to realize my dream of benefiting other people with my daily work.
My first language is not English and, if you find some mistakes, please correct me!Welcome to the team Rodolfo! :) I would be glad to assist you in writing this essay. I think that for a scholarship essay, we already have forum category which discuss this type of essay. Perhaps, next time you can post into the right category. However, I would like to focus on your grammatical range and accuracy first rather than your content. This is because there is no wrong or right in writing an essay as long as you have already answered the prompt given properly. Thus, you can see the detailed descriptions of your errors below, with corrections applied.
1st Paragraph:
- ...who can help to develop / developing Brazil. (you can choose one of them)
- I cannot continue my studies(how many studies? one right?) in my home country as there aren't(contraction is not recommended in academic writing) postgraduate programmes in my field of study. (However, I have an alternative sentence, I cannot continue my study in my home country because postgraduate programme in my field of study is not available.)
- SoThus , to continue studying, I needit is highly recommended for me to go abroad and Endeavour Scholarships would have an important role in achieving my personal goals. (avoid using coordinating conjunction (for, and, but, or, yet, so) in the beginning of the sentence. This makes your essay less formal)
- I'dI would be thrilled to have the opportunity to study... (avoid contraction. you also need to remember that some parts should be emphasized)
- It'dThis will definitely possible to change my life in the future as it'd it would give me the neededcompulsory background to become the great professional I wanted to be.
As you can see, I left the second paragraph for you or other members in this forum to proofread your essay based on some corrections that I've already given to you in above descriptions. I hope you can follow through my feedback. Good Luck for pursuing this scholarship! :)
