Helllo, my name is Assima.
Here is my Personal Statement, I hope you can help me with advices.
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TRANSFORMING THIS WORLD FOR THE BETTER
Do you know when I learned that every person is capable of super-achievements? I was 12 when my family moved, and I was transferred to a school where students in many ways surpassed me. My parents always believed that it was impossible to succeed without hard work, and tried to instill this quality to me. So I put in a superhuman effort to catch up and overtake my peers in studying. And it happened. I became one of the best students. It was a wonderful experience, which reminds me that I can do anything if I want to.
At school I did not think about the future. Once, in the 7th grade at the history of art class, I happened to get acquainted with the works of great architects. The teacher explained to us that the architects are those people who create the space in which we live. I looked out the window and saw the dull five-story building of my native city. I felt sorry for my family and fellow citizens, who have to live in a boring and uncomfortable space. I realized that I want to change my hometown like great architects from the books. In course of time, my childhood dream changed and eventually acquired global characteristics - I want to become an architect to create a world in which people and nature can exist in peace and harmony.
My motto is victory loves preparation. The books about the strong personalities of Scarlett O'Hara and Emma Hart, which I read on the advice of my parents, brought up in me the realization that it was impossible to succeed without hard work. So after careful preparation I successfully passed entrance exams, getting into TOP-3 students with the highest scores and entered the East Kazakhstan Technical University, Faculty of Architecture. I had to combine study with work, it was not easy, but I did not give up, that's why I was considered as solid academic citizen. Thanks to good school preparation in English, I took 2nd place at the republican scientific and technical conference with the report "Phonetic aspects of learning English and Kazakh languages". In 2011, as part of the program of AIESEC future leaders, I went to Qingdao, China, where I worked as a volunteer at Marie Stopes International. There, I discovered the term "green architecture", which was introduced in the Asian region for many years. In 2013, taking the idea of green architecture as a basis, I successfully defended the diploma project "Multifunctional residential complex with alternative energy sources" and soon got a job at Elite-Décor VK LLC as an Assistant Engineer. Working there, I took an active part in projects, among them - reconstruction of a kindergarten, reconstruction of heating networks and water supply networks. I learned how to work in a team, learned about the stages of design and certification of buildings, but every year I came across the fact that the green architecture, which is widely introduced in Korea, is practically not developing in Kazakhstan. Once I realized that it could not continue like this, I decided to get the missing baggage of knowledge about green architecture and bring this knowledge to Kazakhstan.
Nowadays, not only Kazakhstan, but the whole world is facing the problem of the environment. Architects all over the world offer green architecture as a solution. The feasibility of this solution was proved by the eco-smart Songdo city in South Korea.
My desire to obtain a Master's degree in Architecture at Seoul National University of Science and Technology under KGSP program has solid reasons. It's great opportunity to obtain a Master's degree in a country where green architecture is a priority. I researched different Architecture Schools of Korean universities, and came to the conclusion that the curriculum offered by chosen university fully satisfies my goals of study. I also will be able to get knowledge from practitioners. South Korea is safe country with all the conditions for safe learning. For me, as a citizen of developing country, the KGSP program is a unique tool for my overall development in an economically strong country. Kazakhstan only in 2017 stood on the rails of "green architecture" Korea did it 10 years ago. I definitely have a lot of things to learn.
Before taking part in the program, I studied in detail, in which country green architecture is a priority. Having studied the articles and opinions of the experts of the "green economy", I came to the conclusion that Asian countries are leaders of "green architecture". My choice fell on South Korea. The country has an industrial, technological and research base that allows to effectively implement green architecture: the famous 3-liter house from Daelim Industrial and other green projects from Samsung C & T were realized there. In 2008, the government of South Korea set a five-year plan for the implementation of "green architecture". In an effort to obtain a master's degree in architecture in South Korea, I understand that during my education this country becomes the epicenter of green architecture. Education in South Korea will give me a unique opportunity to learn effective and proven methods of introducing green technologies into architecture and chance to apply my knowledge for the benefit of humanity as soon as possible. After all, we, the young architects, have a great responsibility for transforming the world into a better, comfortable and environmentally safe future.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 Assima, the first half of your essay sounds like a college application essay rather than a masters degree letter of self introduction. You need to refocus the essay from the very start. The first question you should respond to is "Why were you motivated to study this masters degree course?". The response to that lies within your plans for your professional future. What do you hope to accomplish in the future? How does this course of study relate to it? That is your motivation. Then, discuss how your college and professional experiences have blended to give you a solid understanding of the shortcomings of your country in terms of architecture and how that gave you the foundation to become a successful masters degree student. Strengthen your reference to your successful thesis defense by explaining the project you chose to research, what research it entailed, and what the most difficult question you had to defend against was. Explain how you did it. These information will prove that you have the research background and ability to successfully complete a masters thesis defense as well. The reasons you chose to study in Korea are sound. Do not change that part of the presentation.
