This is my first time applying scholarship and i am applying Australia Award Scholarship. I need your suggestions and how do you think about my answer below to the questions above. Fyi, my purposed study is Marketing Communications in Melbourne University. Will be waiting for your feedbacks, cheers! :)
How will the proposed study contribute to your career?
My working experience was always related to marketing and communications so I am planning to proceed to work in this field especially at Start-Up Companies. I believe the purposed study contributes to my career by arming myself with disciplinary-specific knowledge and interdisciplinary expertise that will give me the capabilities to thrive in this dynamic profession. My previous study, communication science, is not enough to face challenges in the real Start-up world as it focuses more on the basic theory itself rather than implementing the theory directly to real projects. By taking master in marketing and communications, I am confident that the subjects provided will enhance my critical and creative thinking that is crucial to my career. Especially this purposed study offers internship program which shall equip me for all the possible things that might happen in professional practice. By doing the internship in Australia, I will also get a different perspective I can implement back home after I finish the study.
Some studies will also be very beneficial to me such as Marketing Matrix subject because my experience is mostly in the on-going process of marketing like making promotions, campaign, handling public relations, etc but not the completion like how effective all the process was. In reality, Start-Ups are always focused on the short-term of marketing. Companies tend to burn much money as possible as a start for marketing and assuming people will still be loyal later even they cut the promotions. This assumption is wrong, in fact, people keep coming back to the company because of the promotion and once it stops, people will find another option that gives them more benefits. This misleading mindset is the basic thing that I will change in a start-up company and make impact by focus on performing efficient marketing but at the same time keeping up with other competitors and always have an exact calculation of how effective the marketing was.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 12,003 3877
First if all, your vocabulary is problematic. The reviewer will be highly irritated by your lack of proper English word usage. Stop saying "purposed", replace all those words with "proposed". Purpose refers to the reason while proposed means to suggest or seek approval for. See the difference?
The essay itself seems to be excitedly written without a clear focus. Is the company you are working for called Startup or or will you be setting up a start up company? Again, that is not clear in the essay and creates a point of confusion for the reviewer. If you are creating a start up, clarify that and refer to it in a descriptive rather than noun form. That means, stop capitalizing the reference to the term.
Your essay contains personal opinion discussions which the reviewer will not care about. Instead, it adds to the lack of qualification of your essay. Focus only on the purpose which are:
- I believe the purposed study contributes ...this dynamic profession.
- By taking master ... I finish the study.
End of the essay. These are the only purposes required for your response. Develop these 2 discussions, no more, no less.
Thank you @Holt really appreciate your help.
After many considerations, i decided to wrote a new essay. I hope this one is better. Please help to review it again. (in the new thread)