Essay for Australia award scholarship (master of finance) Why proposed course prompt

Hi everyone, hope you're all fine. Please help me to proofread my essay! thankyou and stay healty!

Why did you choose your proposed course and institution?

A master's degree in finance will provide an opportunity to go deeper into the detailed knowledge needed in mastering finance, both theoretically and practically, an applied and comprehensive understanding of specific parts of the finance industry, financial management and their application to financial policy, also an elaborated theory of the operations and activities of financial markets. Thus, after doing in-depth research and selection, The University of Melbourne (Unimelb), Master of Finance, will provide me achieve those above.

Moreover, the courses chosen are considering my educational background, experiences, and future goals. I studied management, majoring in finance. While in undergradue degree, I assisted in several finance subjects as a teaching assistant. Then, I work as a research assistant and actively conducted research of finance individually and had presented the results at national and international conferences; one of my paper is about the need for financial literacy to use Fintech to increase MSMEs in West Kalimantan. Hence, a master degree in finance will support my goal of becoming a lecturer in my almamater to provide financial education in West Kalimantan.

Financial education development itself is essential, knowing that financial literacy and inclusion in West Kalimantan are still below the other regions due to inadequate financial knowledge and low public trust in financial services. Improvement in financial education will build public trust. Then, it will lead to a healthy-sustainable financial environment, and create resilience to crisis and lead to a faster economic recovery. Thus, the Ethics in Finance subject at Unimelb will extend my insights into building public trust in financial services and fixing inappropriate regulations.

Furthermore, I will have the chance to join the internship program and participate in Unimelb Startup Pitch Competition to support my practical skills. Also, at Unimelb, I will learn directly from professors and experts in finance, one of which is Prof. Carsten Murawski, who focuses on financial literacy research.

You are discussing a personal statement that is not directly related to the prompt being provided. The only question you have to answer is "Why this course? Why at this university?" Answer that question twice based on 2 course and university choices as required by the scholarship application. You responded to the professional reason in the first paragraph. That helps inform the reviewer. However, your educational background is not required information in this prompt and does not help the reviewer understand why you truly chose to study in Australia. The essay response, though long enough, does not provide the required information and as such, could result in the disqualification of your application. Your second course choice does not show a career interest or development. It is little discussed unlike the previous course choice. Remove all of the unnecessary discussion points and just focus on the actual point of discussion in your presentation.

Hi Uray, for your background just mention your goal and briefly the why. You can just combine your 2nd and 3rd paragraph as follow :

My goal is to become a lecturer in my almamater to provide financial education in West Kalimantan. This is to hasten economic recovery in the region as the knowledge will help building public trust in financial services, and thus creating a healthy-sustainable financial environment. The Master course will build upon my management background (majoring in finance) and also research experience about the need for financial literacy to use Fintech to increase MSMEs in West Kalimantan.

For your second preference I think it will be easier if you choose same course from different university rather than different course in same university unless you can use the same background story to justify both

Regards

@OscarPangestu
Hi oscar! Thanks a lot for your advice. it's really really help!
I already revised my essay!