Why did you choose your proposed course and institution?
As a full-time marketer of a local beverages brand and a part-time teacher and staff in a performing arts organization, I have witnessed the ability of local talent in crafting high-value products and services. Through my 6-year experience of injecting relevancy into local products for consumers, I strongly believe that the performing arts sector is not equipped with the competent human capital it needs to accelerate within Indonesia's creative economy landscape. While the output quality of Indonesian performing artists are internationally acknowledged, dedicated perpetrators that ensure the career development and security of these artists are still rare. This is the gap that I will fill after pursuing a degree in Masters of International Business in Australia.
Creative Economy in Indonesia has high potential due to its rapid growth of 10.2% in 2018 for gross domestic product output, while contributing 7.44% in 2016 towards the total Indonesian economy. With the initiation of a dedicated government institution (Badan Ekonomi Kreatif Indonesia or BEKRAF) in 2015, creative economy is expected to become the backbone of Indonesia's economy soon. However, only culinary, fashion, and fine arts as the top 3 contributing sub-sectors out of 16 were the main acceleration focus, while performing arts with the highest growth in 2016 at 9,54% was less prioritized. I believe that I will fill the gap in prioritizing the development of performing arts in Indonesia into a sector that is ready to gain an international competitive advantage.
Settling on The University of Melbourne and Macquarie University as my choice for Masters' studies was encouraged by the core electives both institutions provide, such as Asian Business and Management, Managing Innovation and Entrepreneurship, and Managing for Value Creation. These studies will enhance my current knowledge in business and marketing management and have accurate relevancy to implement towards the performing arts landscape in Indonesia.
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Your essay does not offer a clear reason for choosing the course. Be sure to use one specific masters course per university. You should be presenting the response in 2 paragraphs only. One paragraph for each university choice. You cannot use a collective reason for choosing the universities. You have to indicate a first and second university choice for the scholarship committee to consider. They will be choosing the university for you but will consider your priority university choice first.
So, you can reformat your essay this way:
University name - course choice
Explain the relevance of the course choice to your current career. If this is a stepping stone towards a promotion, then explain how that will work for you. How will the course prepare you for advanced job responsibilities? Highlight the course requirements that you feel will help you hone your skills. Whenever possible, indicate a weakness you have on the job that you hope to remedy through additional classes, training, and advanced knowledge that you will be receiving as a student of this course.
Repeat the same process for your second choice university. Remember to stay within the 2000 character limit (with spaces). That format will allow you to directly respond to the questions and also, allow you to better focus your response based on any forthcoming or existing program in your country that calls for the public promotion of your occupation over a period of time. If you have some characters left over after discussing the university and course choices, you may then reference a longer discussion of the government program you are addressing by studying this course or, the reason why you wish to promote this industry in your country.
The problem with your current discussion is that you are too focused on the background of your occupation and your support for future programs instead of relating the background and your support with the university course and university choice. It does not create a logical discussion in relation to your university choices. You have presented a general discussion rather than a focused attempt at explaining your professional goals and academic needs in relation to your course and university choices.
Differentiate the universities in each paragraph by indicating what focus each course has. One may focus on administrative concerns and the other, on the commercial growth of the company. This is the reason why you have to present each university individually.