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Australia Awards Scholarship Supporting Statement (Master of Commerce)


chrisfellach 1 / 6 3  
Mar 27, 2020   #1
Hello everyone!
I would like to apply Australia Awards Scholarship to study Master of Commerce in UNSW, please give me some feedback about my answer regarding to this question. I would very much appreciate an honest review, feedback, and comment for my essay on why I applied for my courses and institutions. Thank you!

Why did you choose your proposed course and institution*?



I am an undergraduate student from Food Technology major. I learned about how to process the raw food into the food that is ready to be sold. When I was in the university, I have done a lot of assignments about food business project. From there, my interest in business and commerce has risen and I find my passion so I am always excited to do some works about business although just little things like projects from my lectures or helping my student association to get money for holding an university event.

After I graduated, I continue my parents business although it is not a food business but they are stationery store, home material store, and hotel. It has been one year and I am getting more interested to learn how professional business works. On the other hand, I feel like I do not have enough knowledge to do a proper business because in my opinion, business is not a small thing and not easy to do, it needs a knowledge to apply. However, I would like to run this business professionally with the ways of big companies do, because I believe even though it is only a small business, but if we run it professionally, the business will become big and grow. That is the reason that strengthen me to take a master degree.

Since my background is not from business, I have lack of knowledge regarding to business, so I prefer to take Master of Commerce as my master degree. As far as I know, it learns about every aspects of business like business analyst, accounting, marketing, human and resource management, finance, business strategy, and business design. My preferred institution is University of New South Wales. I have done some research about this university and it is one of the Group of Eight (Go8) in Australia and consistently ranking within the top 50 worldwide. Especially, UNSW gives many chances to their students to have many experiences in business such as local, national, or international internship, networking with mentors and industry connections.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,584 2488  
Mar 27, 2020   #2
The essay that you wrote does not properly respond to the prompt. You must write a new essay. Let me see if I can explain the requirements in a clearer manner to you. There is no need to discuss your undergraduate course in the essay. You can simply start by saying that you run your family business but do not have a business background. Everything you learned about business, you learned on the job. So, now that your family business is beginning to grow, you need more insight into how to take the business to the next level.

From that point, discuss how the masters course you have chosen at the university will help you expand the family business. Discuss what the course is about and what you hope to learn, focus on how you can apply the information you will gain within the family business.

As for the choice of university, you have a very generic response. It doesn't tell the reviewer anything about your academic goals in relation to your profession that the university will be addressing. What is so special about the business course that you will be studying? Don't just enumerate the courses, discuss why the courses are important to your business. Don't be subject specific, be course specific. The ranking of the university has nothing to do with your choice. It should be based on your academic objectives, as responded to by the university masters program, that you should be discussing.
OP chrisfellach 1 / 6 3  
Mar 27, 2020   #3
Thank you for your feedback! I am going to revise my answer.
zahranatsir 5 / 11  
Apr 13, 2020   #4
Instead of explaining the achievements of the proposed university, it is much better if you explain the course structure provided by the study program (which is in line with your professional development)
OP chrisfellach 1 / 6 3  
May 1, 2020   #5
Merged:

Australia Awards Scholarship Supporting Statement (Master of Commerce)



Hello everyone!
I would like to apply Australia Awards Scholarship to study Master of Commerce in UNSW, please give me some feedback about my answer regarding to this question. I would very much appreciate an honest review, feedback, and comment for my essay on why I applied for my courses and institutions. Thank you!

WHY DID YOU CHOOSE YOUR PROPOSED COURSE AND INSTITUTION*?

Currently, I continue my parents business such as stationery store, home material store, and a hotel. It has been one year and I am getting more interested to learn how effiecient business works. However, I feel like I do not have enough knowledge to do a proper business because in my opinion, business is not a small thing and not easy to do, it needs a knowledge to apply. Moreover, I do not have a background education regarding to business. However, I would like to run this business professionally with the ways of big companies do, because I believe even though it is only a small business, but if we run it professionally, the business will become big and grow. That is the reason which strengthen me to take a master degree.

I have done some research on universities in Australia that offer a master's program regarding commerce and my preferred course is Master of Commerce (Extension) in University of New South Wales because since I have done the research about the course, I found that this course is suitable for student who does not have an educational background from business or commerce like me. Besides that, the course provides the lessons regarding all the way of managing business. Therefore, UNSW also gives many chances to their students to have many experiences in business such as national or international internship and have a networking with mentors and industry connections.

Moreover, I need to find a university that can provide me with strong practical knowledge on running business, especially I have interests in how managing employees, finance, marketing and business strategy. After 1.5 years of the course, I would like to take the extension course about marketing analytics and organizations management studies. The reason why I choose that extension courses because in my point of view as far as I run the business, the hardest part of business is how to manage people and doing an efficient marketing.
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,584 2488  
May 1, 2020   #6
I am not sure it is because you are not very familiar with writing in the English language, or you really aimed to have a more casual tone in your writing. Whatever the reason, it is important for you to alter the tone to a more formal tone since you are writing an academic paper. A formal application statement to a reviewer who is considering this a part of your formal interview process.

You need to reword the essay for formality and also, rearrange the paragraphs to have a better, interconnected flow in the discussion. Your first paragraph gives the history of your interest in the course, but it is the last paragraph that explains your desire to increase your knowledge. However, I would not include the discussion of taking another course in this essay. You should focus only on the motivations and professional goals of your study. The next part does not blend well with the original discussion requirements and presentation. There is no question regarding your future goals or applications of your desired course of study so it is best not to touch on that topic at this time.


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