I would like to apply Australia Awards Scholarship to study Master of Commerce in UNSW, please give me some feedback about my answer regarding to this question. I would very much appreciate an honest review, feedback, and comment for my essay on why I applied for my courses and institutions. Thank you!
Why did you choose your proposed course and institution*?
I am an undergraduate student from Food Technology major. I learned about how to process the raw food into the food that is ready to be sold. When I was in the university, I have done a lot of assignments about food business project. From there, my interest in business and commerce has risen and I find my passion so I am always excited to do some works about business although just little things like projects from my lectures or helping my student association to get money for holding an university event.
After I graduated, I continue my parents business although it is not a food business but they are stationery store, home material store, and hotel. It has been one year and I am getting more interested to learn how professional business works. On the other hand, I feel like I do not have enough knowledge to do a proper business because in my opinion, business is not a small thing and not easy to do, it needs a knowledge to apply. However, I would like to run this business professionally with the ways of big companies do, because I believe even though it is only a small business, but if we run it professionally, the business will become big and grow. That is the reason that strengthen me to take a master degree.
Since my background is not from business, I have lack of knowledge regarding to business, so I prefer to take Master of Commerce as my master degree. As far as I know, it learns about every aspects of business like business analyst, accounting, marketing, human and resource management, finance, business strategy, and business design. My preferred institution is University of New South Wales. I have done some research about this university and it is one of the Group of Eight (Go8) in Australia and consistently ranking within the top 50 worldwide. Especially, UNSW gives many chances to their students to have many experiences in business such as local, national, or international internship, networking with mentors and industry connections.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,519 3442
The essay that you wrote does not properly respond to the prompt. You must write a new essay. Let me see if I can explain the requirements in a clearer manner to you. There is no need to discuss your undergraduate course in the essay. You can simply start by saying that you run your family business but do not have a business background. Everything you learned about business, you learned on the job. So, now that your family business is beginning to grow, you need more insight into how to take the business to the next level.
From that point, discuss how the masters course you have chosen at the university will help you expand the family business. Discuss what the course is about and what you hope to learn, focus on how you can apply the information you will gain within the family business.
As for the choice of university, you have a very generic response. It doesn't tell the reviewer anything about your academic goals in relation to your profession that the university will be addressing. What is so special about the business course that you will be studying? Don't just enumerate the courses, discuss why the courses are important to your business. Don't be subject specific, be course specific. The ranking of the university has nothing to do with your choice. It should be based on your academic objectives, as responded to by the university masters program, that you should be discussing.