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Essay for scholarship award for a university in Australia - convincing government to give support

Chan Dara 2 / 7 6  
Feb 18, 2016   #1
Hello there. This is my essay to convince Australian government to give financial support for my proposed study at one university in their country (Maximum 400 words). I have to propose two universities but must eventually choose one. Please help on how to write better. Thank you.

Q: How did you choose your proposed subject and university?

Public Health is the most relevant subject of study to my current profession. So preparing for advancement in my organisation by seeking to broaden my knowledge and skill set is my top priority. The course will equip me with the knowledge related to foundation in public health practice, health administration, health policy, social causes of health and disease in populations. The objective of the course is to promote health and well-being of entire communities, not just on individual patients, through prevention of disease and injury. I as well as my organization aware that we need to continually adapt and evolve in our role to remain effective and relevant to the country need, if I want to take part in solving the health challenge or thread at present and in the future. Knowing that what I will be doing would improve the lives of others is so satisfying. These are the main reasons I wholeheartedly sought after this course.

The two highest-ranking universities in Australia are Australian National University (ANU) and the University of Melbourne. Apparently, the two are among the world's very best universities. Both were cited for their excellent quality of the academic facilities (e.g. library, laboratories, IT room). Besides "Health & Medical Studies" is one of their strong academic areas. Most important of all, their outstanding course content and teaching criteria are the main factor for my selection.

University of Melbourne was praised for the opportunity that students are exposed to the theory and real practice. Students can also choose to specialise in one or more of the advanced public health training key areas (e.g. Sexual Health, Epidemiology & Biostatistics, etc.). The professors are highly experience and knowledgeable in this field. Similarly, Australian National University (ANU) is great and is unique for its top-grade Research and Development program, for instance, medical research. Also ANU leaves it optional for student to take breadth subjects. ANU regularly prepares student led seminars where leadership skills are developed and we can share what we know among ourselves throughout the years.

With all the above strengths, having the chance to study at either one is a perfect opportunity.
Hiddengrace 6 / 118 68  
Feb 18, 2016   #2
Hi there Chan! Looks to me like you've got a great start to your essay here. It seems like you might be writing this essay from the viewpoint of "Well, I'm working in this field, so I might as well study it." Your first line seems to portray that you want this scholarship to advance in your career. While that may be true, I'm not sure how positively the admissions committee will look at it, since you are being so forthright about it. Later in your first paragraph you get to deeper reasons and your goals in this field other than advancing in your job, and that's great. However, I'm not so sure it's best to start with career advancement. You want to portray a passion for the field of study right away, and your first few sentences don't do that. I'd recommend reconsidering the order of your first paragraph. You don't want the biggest reason to seem like it is career advancement.

You don't need to tell them that these are your reasons for applying. They know that. Same telling them you'd like the chance to study at either school. I know it's not a lot, but with a limited word count you want to make the best use of your space. Anything extraneous or redundant should go. I also don't think you really need to discuss academic facilities, etc... being a factor. That part sounds like it could have been written for any school. You want to maximize your space and if you cut down that paragraph you'll have more room to discuss your goals.
OP Chan Dara 2 / 7 6  
Feb 19, 2016   #3
Thank you Hiddengrace. I am so happy for your help. I'll reorder the first paragraph and remove all those redundancies. Last year I wrote a one-fits-all essay that was so general, and I didn't pass. :)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Feb 19, 2016   #4
Dara, I would like to share my thoughts in your essay with the focus on the first two paragraph of your essay.

- study toin my current profession.
- SoThat's why preparing for advancement
- my organization are aware that we need to
- and be relevant to the country in need,
- the health challenges in the health sector or thread
- others is so satisfyingwill be rewarding .

- are the Australian National University (ANU) and
- Apparently, theThe ( adding "apparently" as an expression may denote uncertainty on the prestige of the Universities ) - for their excellent quality ofthe excellence in the academic facilities (e.g. library, laboratories, IT room).

There you have it Dara, there's not much to correct on your essay as it is written rather good,
however, you have to be careful in choosing your words, specially when you talk about institutions and
the reputation that they have in the academic field.

I hope my insights and remarks helped.
OP Chan Dara 2 / 7 6  
Feb 22, 2016   #5
Dear justivy03. Thank you so much. There is a lot I can learn from all of you.
I am a happy person now :)
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Feb 23, 2016   #6
Hi Dara, I'm happy that you were able to get help from all of us here on EF.
I hope that you will continue writing and read a lot, this two are the exercises that I
practice everyday, whenever I can and whenever it's possible.

One more thing, when you write, try to criticize your work on your own, this way you will be able
to see your work on a different perspective and nor only that, you will be able to edit it yourself,
the same way a third person would do, this practice will also help you modify and enhance your
essay. Draft your essay as many times as you can, this way you will be able to see if there's
anything else that needs to be done to better your essay.

I hope to more of your essays or any other writing here on EF
so we will be able to help you further if need be.

Keep writing.
OP Chan Dara 2 / 7 6  
Feb 23, 2016   #7
Hi, justivy03, Yes I totally agree and thank you.
For me, a way to criticize my work is to have a look at it a few days later. Then I suddenly find errors which I wouldn't have seen immediately after finishing the work.

I'll be staying here for a very long time. All the help I can get here is priceless.

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