Hello everyone :) I've been accepted for a Masters program but I still need to apply for funding. This is my personal statement for the application. Can you have a look at it and help me improvise where it is appropriate? I sorta need help on how to end the essay because I need to sound that I really need it ( I do!) but do not want to sound too desperate? Is it possible? The requirement is only one page so I'm trying to make it simple and easy to understand. Thank you in advance! Have a great weekend :)
PERSONAL STATEMENT
Question: Why have you chosen this college/university and course of study and how will your long term ambitions contribute to the development of Malaysia?
I graduated with a BSc of Architecture in 2009 from University of XXX and prior to that, I did my Diploma in Architecture from XXX. Ever since I was young, I had always been fascinated by the combination of art and function which architecture is made of. Though I don't find architecture easy, I enjoyed my education and work experiences very much, as it has been wonderful and rewarding. The opportunity to pursue Masters of Architecture in Deakin University will further enhance my personal experiences and professional qualification.
After my graduation in both Diploma and Bachelor of Science, I worked in various jobs trying to gain every inch of experience I could grasp. I started out working in a small office doing different duties from filing, authority submissions, designing to meeting the clients. It was a stepping-stone for me as I had just graduated and needed an insight to the real world. After my Bachelor Degree's graduation, I worked in a medium size firm where I was part of a design team working on big projects and competitions. It gave me pleasure winning competitions and dealing with lost. I find working in an organization challenging but the experience was priceless. It was here, I found niche in sustainable and green design. After working for more than a year, I took time off to travel and volunteer as I had always wanted but never had the chance. I joined Habitat for Humanity, building houses for the unfortunate and Save Our Seahorses Program where I got involved with saving seahorses. I backpacked around Europe because I wanted to see the buildings that I've marveled from the books. I experienced working in a cherry farm in Western Australia last year on a holiday visa and this gave me the freedom to travel and earn money at the same time.
I did an extensive research on where I wanted to pursue my Masters of Architecture and after weighing the pros and cons of many architectural schools, I chose Deakin University because of the Master's program and location of the university itself. Over the years, I developed a strong interest in sustainable and green design especially that I had worked with T.R Hamzah & Yeang who is the pioneer of sustainable design in Asia. I believe environmental aspects should be a major part of the designing process, it benefits not only the users but to the environment as well. Malaysia is slightly behind in sustainable technology and I have ambitious plans to introduce the latest sustainable technology to Malaysia and implement it into my design when I practice in Malaysia professionally. I believe this will satisfy my personal interest in architecture and also fulfills my desire of having a job dedicated to help the society. My travel has also helped me develop good background knowledge in this scope of area. Deakin University is one of the top architectural schools in Australia that emphasizes on sustainable, green and vernacular design, which most, are applicable to our climate. They also offer a summer program with universities in Europe that integrates sustainability into conservation. Conservation of old buildings is another subject of my interest as a part to preserve our heritage. Studying in Deakin University will give me the chance to learn in a different school of thought. Training my mind to think critically and conceptually would challenge my way of thinking. It would be an honour to study from award winning teams of academic staff who will add more knowledge for me to face the challenging world in architectural practice. Being in Melbourne gives me the chance to be in a creative society as Melbourne is the design mecca of the Southern Hemisphere. I look forward to gain insight in a different context and culture from where I am from.
I understand doing a postgraduate program requires a high amount of passion and commitment. I believe life is about taking risks, therefore, I am ready because over the years I have grown more matured, organized, developed a high level of understanding and gained more experiences. My accomplishments have brought me to the satisfaction of high achievements and I hope it will continue when I become a full fledge architect. I managed to put aside savings and seek family help to partially fund my studies. It will be a privilege and honour for me to receive this scholarship as it gives me the chance to gain my professional qualification and help towards my ambition to contribute to the development of Malaysia.
Nice job, here... very profesisonal and clear.
I would make a small change at this part:
...enjoyed my education and work experiences very much, as they have been wonderful and rewarding.
I'm searching for what the real reason is for choosing this school. If possible, show that you have several goals that can be achieved more easily and meaningfully at Deakin.
chose Deakin University because of the Master's program and location of the university itself.---So far, you did not dig very deep with explaining why it is important for you to go to this school.
Over the years, I developed a strong interest in sustainable and green design especially that because I have worked with T.R Hamzah & Yeang who is the pioneer of sustainable design in Asia---Is he somehow associated with Deakin? I want you to be able ot make the reader feel that it is quite important for you to attend this particular school.
Deakin University is one of the top architectural schools in Australia that emphasizes on sustainable, green ---This is pretty cool. So, your philosophy is compatible with the spirit of environmental responsibility, and that makes you a perfect fit for Deakin. But surely it is not the only environmentally conscious school...
Anyway, I know you already submitted, and I'm sure it will be well-received!
:-)
