Hello everyone, please comment my essay for Global UGRAD. I would be honored to hear from your feedback
Why would you be a great participant in the Global UGRAD Program?
To be a selected candidate in the Global UGRAD Program is for young people who have great personalities with leadership, have a vision for solving problems in their home communities, and always seek any way to build self-improvement, which means that they can find a positive way to improve their communities in the future. And of course, I am one of them who have all of the qualities and potentials above to reach this scholarship. Moreover; I want to take this great opportunity to get new amazing experiences in the United States, to learn life-changing overseas experiences, to meet lots of people with different cultures, traditions, backgrounds, and to present more of the Lao culture to the international stage in order to for them to know more about Laos.
I am a Lao youth who has a purpose to learn American ways of teaching methodology in the United States, which is one of the best education system countries in the world, to apply to my future career as an English teacher. As an English student major and a volunteer English tutor of free learning projects for half a year such as the Lao-India English Training Center, Friends Help Friends Project, and Education for All that I have learned to provide good English knowledge to kids and my friends, have learned to work in a team and experienced teaching online challenges during the COVID-19 pandemic. All experiences I have faced make me know that how important English for young people is and how important a good teacher should be. Moreover; my problem-solving skills, communication skills, and technology skills in teaching online have been increased while dealing with difficult problems and tasks. I also realized that education in Laos is not one hundred percent effective in every way and not good enough as great as it must have to be nowadays. Lao students want to learn lessons more from the good resources, to speak a second language fluently like a native speaker in order to get many chances in their life. To succeed in learning new things, we need to do more than sit in the square room because there are many challenges to deal with in the reality. I want to be that teacher who can help them as much as possible and who can be a consultant during their student life. I think Lao students deserve creative, effective, and accessible teaching, therefore studying American teaching methods is indeed significant and helpful for my idea of improving teaching methods in the future and to make changes of old teaching to students will pay full attention to learning and bring lessons in their life effectively. I do believe that this would make me a selected candidate in the Global UGRAD Program 2022-2023. I will bring all knowledge and experience I will treasure in the United States to improve myself better and make positive changes to my home community with my full potentials.
I hope that my great vision will be supported by you. Not only does give an incredible opportunity for an eager girl to become a great teacher in the future but also gives a positive change in my home community and gives a chance to make an interesting teaching methodology for many people. This program would be a priceless life experience of mine and I would be among the students with the same vision and thoughts as I have. I would be honored to be part of the Global UGRAD Program and looking forward to hearing from you.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 12,303 3989
The first paragraph is you, giving the reviewer a talking down about what a Global UGrad leader is. What his character should be composed of, and why. Take that all out. Reviewers do not appreciate applicants who try to tell them how to do their jobs because the student believes that his qualities are what the reviewer should approve. You have no idea what the reviewer is looking for in the candidate so do not mess up your chances by dictating that aspect to him.
which is one of the best education system countries in the world,
That is unnecessary. The reviewer already knows they have the best educational system in the world. Do not point out the obvious. That will definitely irritate the reviewer and make him believe that you have no idea how to sell yourself as an emerging leader in your country because you lack that sort of relevant experience. Having read the full paragraph though, you do have the emerging qualifications, so don't waste your time with empty opening statements.
The essay needs to be improved. You have to speak of how you, as a teacher in training, can bring skills and cultural discussions to the program that can help further improve the American educational system and, allow for a cultural exchange and learning process among the participants of the program.