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'A Beneficial Opportunity' - Housing scholarship


Dec 23, 2011   #1
So, i have to write a personal statement in 250 words or less: why do you want and need this scholarship? Comment on high school courses that have been most challenging and rewarding. comment on character traits, which have been my best assets. Describe your post-college ambition. this is what i wrote:

A Beneficial Opportunity

College provides an increased opportunity to improve my future, along with that of my family, but produces a very important and expensive cost. As the first in the whole family to go to college, I have no outside relations to help me with the expenses for college, and the need to find outside financial aid is critical. This scholarship enables me to approach my goal one-step further by providing my housing and reduces the cost of attending college.

Additionally, the scholarship provides aid to help me arrive closer to my post-college ambitions. A goal, what I consider my dream, is to become a Pediatrician with the knowledge to practice other medical techniques and providing the availability of these medical practices to the public. I want to give a sense of security and a place of happiness for the health of this nation's children; also, to provide the availability and necessary medical attention to the children all over the world.

Throughout my high school years, I chose difficult courses to challenge my mental capabilities and skills, and to improve my comprehensibility in subject areas already familiar to me. In addition, in an effort to enhance my education, I learned to rely on certain character traits and to improve on others. For instance, I rarely asked a teacher for help when I did not understand a topic out of the fear and stubbornness of appearing ignorant. Upon taking Algebra 2 PAP, I realized I was only harming myself by not asking for help and decided to conquer my fear and ignore my stubbornness. My Algebra 2 PAP class helped correct these traits and allowed me to utilize them in my high school courses. Thus, the experience gained from the courses and traits, will contribute to my effort and dedication to my education in college.

Dec 24, 2011   #2
Your essay need much reviewing to eliminate the errors. I like your story line which I find it much unique if you give more elaboration. You can talk about your need to reach out to the poor, unhealthy kids since this is your dream. Being a first generation student you can give more substance to this fact by explaining some disadvantages you faced that is if this will not exceed the word limit set.

Nice shot though. I hope I was not to tough on you. Great work.

Good luck.


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