Hi there!
This is a final draft I've written before putting the essay into the 'intense revising' oven. This personal statement is one of the essays that an organisation supporting education in South Korea requires from applicants. These are their instructions:
Instructions:please write not exceeding 2 pages on an A4 size format, one-sided only. The essay should contain the following things and must be clearly typed or printed in black ink.
- Motivations with which you apply for this program
- Personal background in family and education
- Significant experiences you have had; risks you have taken, achievements, persons or events that have had a significant influence on you
- Extracurricular activities such as club activities, community service activities or work experiences
- If applicable, describe awards you have received, publications you have made, or skills you have acquired, etc.
Yeah, exactly, 2 pages. I'd greatly appreciate your feedback. I'm too "close" to the essay to sanely look at it yet (you know what I mean). Here it goes:
Personal Statement
The idea of studying abroad for an extensive period of time has attracted me throughout my entire adolescence. This is much due to the fact that my character was built upon an inter-cultural family setting which in itself motivated me to. My father, a retired British civil engineer and diplomat who worked in and travelled to various countries, my mother, a retired Brazilian who worked in diverse diplomatic missions in Brazil and who also travelled a significant amount herself, in addition to a number of other family-members who take part in the Brazilian diplomatic sphere, taught me from experience the tremendous worth of being in contact with other cultures, the academic and professional benefits that derive from this, as well as the sheer personal growth one attains in consequence; and are aspects that I grew to greatly admire.
As I entered high school, I was rapidly engrossed by the disciplines of History, Philosophy, Geography, and, largely, Sociology, as the manner with which it agglutinated other analogue subjects caught my personal interest. I was attracted to most of what the field and its devotees explored within societies' varied facets, in addition to its particular approach to diverse topics and facts, and consistently obtained excellent marks as a result. Whilst strengthening my abilities in such fields, I was selected as the author of my school's best essay - as well as one of the state's three-hundred best - at an occasion which, amid the support of my parents and teachers, stimulated me to consider pursuing a career-path in such an area, thus influencing my decision to undertake joint-honoured Political Science and International Relations as tertiary-education majors - which has become a determination I earnestly keep to-date.
Towards my late eleventh year of schooling, I briefly took part in an education council-promoted school-circle which debated facts or problems that concerned the local community, the city, Brazil as a country, and, chiefly, the school itself. It was a pleasant experience that I account for heightening still further my interest in Political Science, fuelled by factors such as our discussion of the school's structural issues, the succeeding presentation of reasoned solution-suggestions, and even the deliberation of our views on our country's affairs. A number of teachers also promoted similar debates and analyses that I enjoyed taking part in. The conjunction of these factors, I must say, sternly shaped in me a passion for the field of Political Science and International Relations.
South Korea originally interested me as I was introduced to and learned about its remarkable history. As I found it a captivating subject, I thoroughly enjoyed further reading and discovering in this direction. In effect, by looking into the nation's present particularities, I was fascinated by its society's civil values, culture, and infamous educational excellence as well as surprised at its contrast with those which I knew. It also struck me it being such a solidly modern and strongly dynamic country. The aggregation of these elements led me to develop an enthusiasm for the country's historical and present characteristics - as well as their correlation - in a number of themes, and, in increment of my aspirations, to suit as my major-of-choice's focus of study and to subsequently discover the KGSP-U programme.
The KGSP-U programme evoked my interest for, whilst it agrees to the experience of the diversity of the Korean culture, it proposes an attractive academic experience of vastly-reputed quality, added, in my case, to the opportunity of coursing my major-of-choice whilst being immersed in its focus: South Korea and its role at the Asian and global scenes. Moreover, I deem that actively knowing a distinct culture, being academically immersed in an unfamiliar context and acquiring civic, moral and academic values that may contradict those which characterise my own - or, perhaps, my home-country - are aspects bound to nourish and strongly magnify my individual academic and professional mores as well as promote personal maturity.
South Korea is incontestably a regional and global leader. It is a country with a marked global presence and it has reached such a position with great merit by means of, as it has demonstrated with the advent of the so-called Miracle on the Han River, the effort of its people and the success of elaborate macro-level policies. Undertaking my tertiary-education in such a country, under the KGSP-U programme and its supported academic ambient, by studying the comprehensive elements and methods of its progress as well as exploring the fundamental principles which configure the nation's political frame and define its international relations, is an exciting prospect that may well render me academically, professionally and personally apt to keenly take part in Brazil's growth and long-sought development. In reflection of how South Korea has thriven has shown me, this is especially critical for supporting development; and participating in the sculpting of such policies, whether in the public or private sectors, has become my goal.
While one is quite naturally prone to face some diverse difficulties in so venturing, I am secure that my similar experience of an inter-continental move, discipline and independence, will wholly aid me their overcoming, whilst, as I am equally confident the experience of the KGSP-U programme can be, fully eventuating in being an exceptionally healthy challenge.
Hi Leighton, welcome to EssayForum :)
It is really nice to have you here as a new member and hopefully, you can keep actively participating in this forum to help others. This is because I notice that your writing skill is outstanding. I am sure that you can immensely help other members by delivering meaningful reviews. In fact, I also have learned many things by reading your essay.
With regards to your essay, I reckon that it is a well-developed piece of writing. You have successfully answered all the necessary prompts given. I do really like the way you linked your ideas and combined your sentences in order to ease the reader. By doing this, however, have improved the coherence and cohesion of your essay itself. The use of less common words in your essay, I assume, it is also really accurate and impressive.
As you know, English is my foreign language, I need to learn from others too. Thus, I have something in mind that I want to ask to you. Sometimes, some teachers advice their students to avoid making very-long sentence because it often leads to inaccuracy and confusion. My question is that, how is the way to create such a brilliant long sentence without any errors in grammar and confusing meaning? If you have some tips that you can probably want to share, perhaps not only me that would be glad, but the other members would be also really thankful to have useful tips from you. :)
Hi Philipe, I would also like to share a few insights towards your essay.
First of all, it is indeed a well developed personal statement, you manage to address each and every instruction that is required in order to hand in a well managed essay that is focused on the benefits of studying abroad and in your case, studying in Korea. To start, Korea is one of the worlds fastest growing country, not only in terms of its economy but also in fostering good, or should I say, world class education to its citizens and expats, therefore, you made the right choice in participating in this program.
Furthermore, each and every paragraph in your letter is structured and focused on a single idea, this helps the reviewer to conclude the goal of each paragraph, giving a way of unparalleled understanding towards the purpose of the essay.
Now, I do suggest, though this is very minor, it will help, that the length of the letter is not this long, see, the thing is, the reviewers will have a few other applications to review, this means they will only have as much time to dedicate in each and every application. Having said that, when eliminating this informations, make sure that they are the right information to delete and the purpose of your letter will not get affected.
