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A big journey KGSP personal statement, "Are you ready" / "I love U?" My passion for languages

karen_077 1 / - 1  
Oct 1, 2015   #1
Hello! I want to apply for KGSP scholarship, can you give some advices to improve my essay, and tell if it's interesting and if is not to long. I would be very thankful!!

Note: english is not my second language so can you help me with some words hehehe

So here is my essay....

A big journey

"Are you ready", we shouted loudly that time when I was in my room with my cousin, the lights were turned off while recording a video, the music was played and we started our show. Jumping, dancing steps, shoving, laughter, and fun were dominating the moment. It had already passed 15 minutes when we stopped shooting, we were a little bit tired and we had some technical problems, the camera had only captured one minute of our great show, after that only laughter broke de moment.

Back in my teens I remember the first time I had the opportunity to make a film project, my computer teacher told us that there was going to run a contest where there was the short film category, so I signed to do it and my best friend joined me. The first time we participated we got silver medal with a short film about sayings; with great satisfaction I watched that the result in the creation of comedy was successful.

The following year we tried again and did comedy with fiction, a unique love story, where the protagonist's cellphone takes life and becomes his girlfriend. The shooting was fun and tired, our ideas flowed every time we saw some situations or places, although we had our story reflected in the script, we changed it incorporating more ideas. It was easy to do comedy, because my personality contributes to this, I try to make people laugh and when we were shooting I expressed all these actions and ideas on camera. In all this project I was self-educated, I generated skills, either in direct, edit or act; I always searched of how to make good takes with cameras, how to film with home equipment, how to create a good story, how to make animations and a host of things, where no matter how long it took or how tired I was or if I had to do it again because the project was not saved in the computer, which I can confirm that it happened many times; however, I enjoyed doing it and I was very pleased with the final result.

"I love U?" is the name of the short film which we won gold medal in Ecuador and went to compete in the global final of multimedia projects called "Infomatrix" in Romania, which we also won gold medal. At first I thought "wow there are some good projects," "is that ours can be as good as the other?", "well, at least I'm enjoying the moment", all those thoughts disappeared when I knew that I'm out of the country competing with a high level projects, meeting people of different cultures where English helped me very much, and something very important that I shared good moments with people that were there for one reason, their passion of cinema.

My parents have always liked business, especially my father, he's a great businessman, although he does not have a college degree, he has managed to cope with a very accurate vision in business. He has always told me to prepare me to grow as a person, involving around in activities being a leader and I feel that I have achieved it, I were in several clubs in school, such being part of the student band and majorette, also receiving extracurricular courses such dancing. One of my dreams was to be the president of the student council at high school, thanks to my efforts and the support of my family I could achieve it. I did a volunteer with children, although I am not a big fan of kids, I could become attached to them and have a good time.

My passion for languages has led me to study English, German and Chinese, and also my passion for Film and Theater has motivated me to apply for this scholarship program. I want to prove that there are no boundaries for dreams and I am able to accomplish everything I set in mind, I want to embark on this adventure to be independent, be willing to try challenges, cope with various problems and situations that bring me life, while knowing traditions, customs; as well as their history and identity which will enrich me as a person and to fulfill a big dream that can be difficult but not impossible to make it happen.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 1, 2015   #2
Karen, most of your essay manages to respond to the prompt requirements in a creative way. However, I really don't think your first paragraph, the introductory statement is necessary in this case. Always try to start your essays by presenting the immediate information being asked for. You do not need to create a background or a setting for it. The reviewer does not have the time to read through the set up before getting to the actual information. One option for a new introductory paragraph for your essay is to start it immediately with what is now your second paragraph. That certainly serves up the immediate answer to the second prompt requirement and will allow your essay to gain the interest if the reviewer in the process.

Another approach would be to open the essay with your motivation with which you applied to the program. Don't leave your motivation response for the end of the essay. Bring that up to the very beginning instead. It will immediately address the prompt and allow the reviewer to see the connection between your desire for the scholarship and your achievements in life. I suggest that you explain why you believe that this scholarship in particular will be the one to benefit you the most in your quest to become a film maker. Normally, the motivation to apply for the scholarship ties in with some sort of relationship between your interests and the objectives of the foundation. Find that connection and present it to the reviewer. Make sure you present a convincing argument about it.

As for the title. I would rather you rephrase it to indicate "A Long Journey" instead of "A Big Journey". The reason I suggest the title change is because the essay depicts the long road towards success that you took before you began to collect awards and accolades. To say "A Big Journey" is just grammatically wrong. There is no such thing as "A Big Journey", just " A Long Journey".

There are a number of grammatical errors in the essay that need to be addressed. Before correcting those though, I would like you to first polish the content and responses of your essay. It is easier to correct the grammar problems when we know that you already have your responses on target. Once you do that, we can tighten the focus and message of your responses :-)

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