Scholarship:What's the biggest challenge for women in business and solution?

First Hawaiian Bank scholarship: What is the biggest challenge for women in the business community today and what do you think can be done to overcome that challenge? (min.250 wrds and max 2 pages)

So here is my short essay in my opinion what that problem is and solution. Please check and don't be afraid to critique. I know I am not great at English so I need as much feedback as possible.

Meet Marilyn Stock. She is a young, happily married and highly educated woman, who graduated top of her class at the prestigious University of Pennsylvania with a degree in economics. Due to her great credentials and intelligence, she was hired into the lucrative investment banking firm of Goldman Sachs. After months of hard work, determination and climbing up the hierarchy ladder, she was finally being offered a leading finance associate position in the firm. It is clear to see that Marilyn Stock is an excellent portrayal of a hard-working and determined woman in the business community. However, Marilyn faces a dilemma that many women like herself would inevitably come to face if they were married or in a relationship with a male. This dilemma would be pregnancy and the start of the creation of a family. This poses Marilyn with the question whether to put her dreams and career goals aside like her job promotion to help raise the child or to excruciatingly struggle to try to juggle both stresses of a career and a family.

Despite Marilyn Stock being a fictional character, she is still a relevant representation of the biggest challenge that face women in t he workplace. This is because that there are many highly educated and hard-working women that go through similar situations. The moment they have a child put their careers on hold even or stop pursuing it all together just to take care of their family. There are two main reasons to why most women decided to do this. The first reason is that some women feel pressured by society and their culture that it is their sole duty to take care of the children. These surmounting pressures on women make them feel guilty to not have their complete attention to the child, therefore causing them to leave the business community. Secondly, the United States government provides insufficient amount of help to relieve the strain on women who have careers and a family. The government requires an inadequate amount of maternity leave for women and doesn't give up much help after childbirth. Thus, the biggest challenge woman really face in the business community is the lack of support from society and the government to help women maintain both their careers and their family.

However, there is a hope across the horizon and a solution has been found that can overcome this challenge that women in the business community face. The answer can be found quite literally across our horizon and in the Scandinavian country of Denmark. Denmark has come up with a solution to help women in their country to balance the struggle of having a family and maintaining their career. They have provided laws that enable both men and women to have flexible working hours, universal child care coverage, extensive leave rights, and generous individual benefits that are all aimed to supporting families. By providing these laws to both males and females, they relieve the stress of taking care of the child off solely on the women and provide males the chance to raise their own kids, which is an opportunity that is quite rare when compared to other countries. In Denmark, it is quite unusual to find women being a housewife and it is quite common to see men walking around the streets taking care of their child. If we are able to implement only half of Denmark's policy on families, we can be guaranteed to see a much need improvement in the business community for women. I believe there is a lot to learn from the country that is statistically rated to be the highest in life satisfaction in Europe.

you are a very talented writer cant find any errors

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... who batch topped at the prestigious University of Pennsylvania with a degree in economics.
Due to her great credentials and intelligence, she was hired intoby a lucrative investment banking firm of Goldman Sachs.


With her hard work, commitment, determination she kept climbing the hierarchical ladder and finally was offered a leading finance associate position in the firm.