Hello, guys! I'm not very sure about my English skills, cause I have never talked to a native speaker IRL. My mother language is Russian.
I asked for help from a woman who does those applyng things, and she told me to emphasize on my past, cause I'm an ethnic Korean. Russia has 2 quotas, while One placement is reserved for overseas Koreans. What would you rate my essay?
KGSP personal essay
To begin with, I will inform you about my past. I have a great grandmother, who was born in Sakhalin. At a young age, she was deported to Central Asia as an ethnic Korean and separated from her homeland. She lost her parents early. I was very close to her, so I have heard many stories from her. She often talked about her tough time in the past in which she had to start life anew in a foreign country, without any help as a deportee. She told me a lot of cultural things about Korea such as wedding ceremony, a baby's first birthday, honorific levels in speech and others. She was trying to bring up me following all traditions.
I had heard some Korean speech when my great grandmother talked to her fellow countrymen and I really liked the sound of such a mysterious and beautiful language. Unfortunately, she was the only family member who spoke Korean. However, she hoped us, her grandchildren, to speak her mother language and see our historical homeland. Her dream and upbringing became the main impetus to my endless love to Korea, its culture and history.
Now my great grandmother is 92 years old. She still lives in Uzbekistan with my grandparents, while my family and I moved to Russia. I am eager go to Korea, learn the origins of my ancestors, and become fluent in Korean. I want to realize my great grandmother's dream and make her proud of me eventually.
It is hard to be an ethnic Korean, without knowing Korean. Sometimes I feel ashamed for my ignorance, so I am filled with determination to study it thoroughly!
I have been passionate about learning new things whole my life so far. I was fascinated by my various hobbies which changed unceasingly. Since I tried to learn about everything, I wanted to be the best in all areas. As time went by, I realized what was interesting for me and what was not. Thus, in high school I truly got interested in biology. Fortunately, I have a friend who I can share my thoughts with. Biology is not a popular thing among teenagers, so I was happy to talk to her, exchanging our ideas. But she moved to another country for study. Now I want to settle in the biological field and become a colleague to her someday.
I studied at the School of Natural Sciences and Mathematics. To be more precise, I finished the school majoring in biology and chemistry. My biology teacher often encouraged me to take part in various mental competitions, and I am grateful for it. I often read books on biology outside of school. I had been studying biology for a year on a distance-lesson course. It took place in a form of online-lecture. My classmates called me a genius of biology, because of my outstanding academic achievements. Getting the highest grade in biology motivated me to study harder in other subjects. So, although I used to be an average student, I became one of the best students in my school. I could learn how much it is important to endeavor through this experience.
My parents work a lot; I was often on my own and became accustomed to responsibility and independence. My current city is too small and does not have enough informational centers, such as museums, language schools or cultural centers, so I started visiting other cities in Russia on my own to obtain new information. For example, one time I traveled to Moscow to visit the museum of paleontology. In 2016 I visited an event called "Science Evolution" - it is a large-scale festival devoted to the Biologist's Day, which took place at Moscow State University. The day I visited is significant for me, because the knowledge gained there has turned my world around. I attended a lecture by Alexander Markov (Russian biologist-evolutionist, and also a popularizer of science) and he made a tremendous impression on me. He helped me understand that science is not a complex system for "special" minds, it is open to everyone. I was amazed by evolution processes and importance of mutations in general life. After that my desire to study biology turned into passion. I want to know how DNA works, why cells build the body in the right way and we do not transform into a different form. I wonder if we are almost able to interrupt the aging process. We are able to make the world's system better already, for example, by creating GMO's. But still, there are so many unknown areas for researches. This is why I have been dreaming of becoming a geneticist.
I have always been interested in learning foreign languages, but my dream motivated me to make more efforts to learn English and Korean. Unfortunately, there are no opportunities to get a quality education here. Therefore, the only way I could learn Korean is self-taught education. I learned the basics of the language, but my skills are not good enough for me yet, so I found several friends online. They are native speakers of Korean, and I practice my conversational skills with them. There is a spoken English club in my city. There we have cognitive discussions, debates and share life experiences. However, the members of the group are not native speakers. They make more influence on my way of thinking than my practical skills; but they make me open-minded sharing different opinions. That is why I practice my speaking skills with my online friends from different parts of the world.
I used to be a volunteer at my school. We decorated the city on our own for different events and festivals, and also took care of homeless animals at a shelter. Interesting is that humans (as highly organized organisms) and animals act the same in many circumstances. These efforts of volunteerism gave me intellectual nourishment. Additionally, my behavior and attitude have changed, and I came to be more empathetic. I came to the conclusion that any behavior of a living organism (for instance, the maternal instinct) can be explained by biological sciences. Now I notice patterns of biology in everyday life and it is obvious that this is just a tiny part of knowledge I can acquire.
It is widely known that Korea is the world leader in many fields, possessing advanced scientific technologies and having one of the most developed economies of the world. I am convinced that these are ideal conditions to become a highly qualified specialist. And I especially want to get an education not just for a diploma, but for my work and research to contribute to the development of science and medicine of my country and possibly the whole world.
My parents are ordinary working people who have worked hard whole their lives to give me and my brother everything we need. They want me to realize my potential and get a higher education in Korea. They support me, but without the possibility of a KGSP scholarship, my chance of getting a higher education becomes very slim. So, the opportunity to receive this scholarship is practically the only chance to fulfill my academic potential, and I believe with all my heart that the admissions committee will see in me a candidate worthy of this scholarship.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 Alina, the fact that you are an ethnic Korean should be a tremendously strong motivating factor for you and should be highlighted in this essay. However, it should not take over half of the essay to discuss it. Remember that you have other prompt questions that need responding to as an applicant. Therefore, you must balance the discussion of your history as an ethnic Korean with the rest of the requirements. As of now, the essay has a tremendously long focus on your being an ethnic Korean which is causing the essay to be of a disservice to your application.
Discuss your being an ethnic Korean without presenting so much information about your grandmother. She is not the scholarship applicant and should only be a mere mention or a connecting link between you and your Korean heritage. You will lose the attention of the reviewer because you are discussing a person who is not involved in the application process. Limit the presentation of your grandmother in that aspect. Instead, discuss how being an ethnic Korean affected your parents after they moved away from their home country.
Your academic presentation is weak. There are no honors or academic competitions mentioned as part of your strength as a student. Why is that? You may want to explain your lack of academic merit in those fields. You claim to be one of the best students in your school and yet you do not mention any honors received, achievements completed, or recognition for special talents, skills, or other related fields. The lack of these creates a weak academic consideration for you within the scholarship. Remember, you transcript of records will be submitted with your application so if you excelled in any class, this essay is the perfect moment to call attention to those grades in consideration of the scholarship grant.
Your overall essay seems to deviate heavily from the prescribed prompts. I strongly urge you to review the required presentation list and revise your essay to better reflect the necessary information, removing the irrelevant parts (as indicated by the prompts). You will immediately see which parts to cut out once you write a new version that responds to the prompt outlined in the application form.
