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"born in Amman, Jordan - middle class family" - brief biography about myself


yusuf_5ayat 2 / 1  
Aug 23, 2011   #1

from taekwondo through soccer to the kick boxing



Dear sir/madam,
My name is Yousef Al-khayyat ,I was born in Amman, Jordan on Dec,9th,1993 , we are a middle class family of seven members , my dad who's 54 years old has a very hard life which was full of hard working since he has entered the university to get the bachelors degree, then he has been given a scholarship to continue his studying to get master degree , he was very interested in high education so he decided to resign earlier from his work in order to continue his high education in the PhD degree in banking and financial science hoping to get a better paid work , he taught me that life is only ambition and willpower also determination since my childhood and that life is a race and I'm the runner . However, my mum devotes her life by teaching us good manners and how to deal with our lives as well as she was taking of us.

Since my childhood I have played taekwondo for 5 years also I have been playing soccer from age of 7 until now and a apart of this I play kick boxing. This is my life's story which started in the 9th grade as long as I wanted to study abroad and to live outside since I was at this grade with my best friend who went to New York City in 2008 and the only wish was to play for a soccer team or track team.

I have graduated this summer with average of 92 from Terra Sancta collage , I decided to study mechanical engineering so I'm applying for this scholarship hoping to attain my dreams , It would be pleasure to attend to BYU in winter 2012.

Best regards,
Powerfuldog 5 / 9  
Aug 23, 2011   #2
A good essay in terms of info, but you have to make it more personal. Right now, it's like a quick biography of your life, but you need to present a compelling and vivid picture, using emotions and other details, to make your essay stand out.

Good luck in the applications process!
OP yusuf_5ayat 2 / 1  
Aug 24, 2011   #3
Powerfuldog
thank you Powerfuldog , but I'm limited to write 300 words so that's why i can't add more information about myself.
kusanagi1981 3 / 16 1  
Aug 24, 2011   #4
If you are asked to write ONLY about your life then it's quite okay except for your and your father's birth date. But, I don't know how would this help in a scholarship essay. The scholarship committee will look for deserving candidates so you have to give some evidence that your hardship of life has made you who you are now. Also, this whole sentence needs rewriting:

my best friend who went ...

What your best friend did is not relevant for this essay. You need to look for your own unique skills which makes you stand out of a bunch of other candidates.

You need not write dear sir or madam since it's not an application.It's an essay right? Also:

I have graduated This summer I graduated with an average of 92 from Terra Sancta collage . I decided to study mechanical engineering so I'm applying for this scholarship hoping to attain my dreamsIn hopes of becoming a mechanical engineer, I am applying for this scholarship. It will help me fulfill my dream. , It wouldwill be my pleasure to attend to attend BYU in the winter session of 2012.

Good luck! :) Hope this helps a bit.
lydever91 5 / 13  
Aug 24, 2011   #5
we are a middle class family

Maybe put "I live in a middle class family...

Try bringing in who the seven members of your family are. Not like, my brother, Tim, and so on, but say that you have a father, mother, and four siblings.

After that, introduce your father.

Since my childhood I have played taekwondo for 5 years also I have been playing soccer from age of 7 until now and a apart of this I play kick boxing. .

I have been apart of taekwondo for five years. Along with that, I have been playing soccer ever since I was seven years old, along with kick boxing.

Hope all goes well


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