Hi guys.... please help me to check my essay grammar ad my essay structure.
The provider scholarship ask me to write about my self in one page only about :
Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
Your motivations for applying for this program
Reason for study in Korea
so this is my essay :
Born as daughter in the family is not an unlucky, as if not in patriarchal society. Although R.A Kartini has been fighting for women's rights in Indonesia but not necessarily able to align women to men position in entire community. Unfortunately I am one of the daughters in patriarchal society. My situation would not be so bad if my parents have a good position, In reality they are just low income farmers.
[...]
You are starting to build a good essay here. While I cannot really see the correlation between the first and second paragraph (are you talking about women empowerment?), what I want to see is to be very specific with your goals. If you think you have an innovation, since you want to be an expert or professor, tell it in the essay. Also, what is the relationship between KOSHA and Inje? Is KOSHA an institute or faculty in the Inje University? Make sure you are clear on the difference or you'll not be accepted for sure. If you mention something such as "good" or "admire", be specific on what makes you think like that.
Read the comments and, of course, correct your grammars!
Hope it helps! Semoga membantu!
Hi Anthony,...
Thank you so much for your help,..
You help me a lot with this,... but i need more help...
they asking to much :
Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
Your motivations for applying for this program
Reason for study in Korea
but they only provide it in one page, so i am confusing which part i should write and how can i make connection between my paragraph,...
I hope you would like to help me more...
Thank you,...
Terima kasih
hi Diga,
let me break this down prompt per prompt:
1. This is all about yourself. What is your background? What is the principle of your life? How do you come up with that? What is your dream, what do you want to be?
2. What is your job and your education? Is there something significant you have done in your field? what did you learn or want to learn? And remember, it must be related to the reason you apply for the KGSP.
3. Why do you want to apply for the KGSP? Why Inje and KOSHA? (which school are you actually applying to?)
4. This is straightforward. You have answered it but dig more details than just something is "good" or something you "admire"
I believe this can be answered in less than 600 words, which should be about 1 page (single spaced, size 12) I think you have answered many of the prompts,but as I said read my comments (especially, be specific, be personal) and break it down into what I did at the list above.
Hi Anthony,...
I have changed as you told me to do,...
Could you help me please to check it once again?
I know, I ask to much but really i need help about improving my essay...
and you know, it is over page,... could you tell me which part i should cut and which part i should give more attention?
Thank You so much Anthony
Born as daughter in the family is not an unlucky, as if not in patriarchal society. Women always in the second place in everything such as education, job, and way of life. My situation would not be so bad if my parents have a good profession, in reality they just low income farmers. Everyday I have been thinking if I should wait there is change in my life? Then, I realized that there would be no change in my life or my community if don't do anything. So, I worked hard to got scholarship for my undergraduate program and finally I accepted in Public Health faculty, Airlangga University as awarded Bidikmisi Scholarship. I believe there is a will there is a way. Women should choose their own way of life, instead of waiting and receiving. Believe, effort, and prayer will make it happen. To gain more experience, I also did part time job and active in some organization such as Scout and student board when I was student. i've work hard to be an expert health consultant in Indonesia.
I spent my free time in undergraduate program not only doing part time job, studying and organizing, but also participating some research in public health area such as immunization finance with UNICEF, tobacco control with MTCC, environmental health assessment et cetera. And now I am working as freelance research assistant in health vascular clinic and family planning agencies. I wasn't interest in occupational health before because I thought it was scary field but after I participated in some research, I realized that number of work accidents in Indonesia is very high and most of them are women. Like get a smack on my face I realized that accident can be prevented with good implementation of occupational health and safety management system. Lack of implementation of occupational health and least number of occupational health and safety professionals in Indonesia makes a bit change of my dream. I still want to be an expert consultant but focused on occupational health and safety. My long-term goal is to become a professor in occupational health and safety. To pursue my dream, I have to study in higher education level, especially in another countries with high implementation of occupational health and safety management system.
I did some research and I knew that South Korea is a country which has highest education level and number of work accident in South Korea is decreased from year to year until low level after implementing occupational health and safety management system. South Korea even has Korea Occupational Safety & Health Agency (KOSHA) who has been taking responsibility for the important role in occupational safety and health in the South Korea workplace. So I think South Korea is the best country for me to study. So, that's why I want to apply KGSP because KGSP will help me to complete my master degree in Korean University with my financial limitation. I would like to complete my master program in Inje University because after I researched, I found out that Inje university is the only University in South Korea which has a master of science in occupational health and safety and also one of the best University in South Korea. So Inje University is the best choice for me to complete my master program because I can explore deeper about occupational health and safety which help me to be an expert.
As well as an excellence in education and occupational health and safety implementation, South Korea is a very special country for me. The humility of Koreans is the thing that makes me really admire this country. Despite the high level of their education, they still believe in the God existence and live peacefully in religious diversity. As I know there are many religion in South Korea but not even once I heard that they have conflict. It is so amazing. And Korean culture is so amazed me. I knew Korean culture from variety show that I watched although I didn't experience it yet but I am very exciting to experience it.
please help me how to make good closing part of essay too
Thank you so much...
