Hello my name is Carina and I am applying for a scholarship for graduate school in South Korea. The scholarship requires a self introduction and statement of purpose. Here is my first draft.
Self Introduction
o Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea
the importance of culture
I was born in Mexico City and at the age of 8 moved with my family to the United States. I then became a US citizen in 2008. Ever since I was little, my parents have taught me about the importance of culture. Mexico has a very rich culture and growing up I became fascinated by it. As I started to learn about other countries and other parts of the world, culture was always what interested me the most. I began listening to Korean music and watching Korean movies and dramas when I was in high school. Through these I started to have an interest in Korean and Asian cultures. I became fascinated by the richness and uniqueness of Korean and Asian cultures. I set myself a goal to visit Korea and see and learn about the culture myself. I received a Bachelor of Arts in History from ------, in the United States. While I was studying for my undergraduate degree, I was able to do an exchange program in Seoul. I went through the program offered by International Studies Abroad, ISA, and studied at Konkuk University the second semester of my second year of college in the Spring of 2014. I received a scholarship from the Benjamin A. Gilman International Scholarship Program for my exchange study. This became a huge milestone for me as it would set me into the path for my future and what I wanted to achieve. While in Korea, I discovered my passion for history which was fueled by my fascination of culture. It was after my study abroad experience that I decided to major in History and focus in Asia. I was able to visit Japan, Hong Kong, Thailand and the Philippines during my study abroad program. I was then fascinated by the culture of Asian countries and wanted to learn more about it and their history. Prior to my time abroad and when I returned, I changed my undergraduate major several times from Business to Graphic Design to Art History, as I was unsure of what I really wanted to pursue. After deciding that History was what I wanted to pursue the most, I changed my major to History at the end of my third year of college. Language is a big part of culture and is something that interests me as well. As a part of my study abroad program in Konkuk University, I took Korean language courses. The Korean language has been very fascinating to me ever since I was first exposed to it. I am bilingual as I speak both English and Spanish. Because I only took Korean courses for one semester, I want to study it more and become fluent in it. I have tried studying it at home since coming back from my study abroad program but feel that I still need a lot to learn and look forward to being able to study it again in South Korea. I am an advocator of international education as I believe that it is important and helpful to study abroad during college. Studying abroad opens up an entire world that helps you grow as a person and academically. I participate in several volunteer mentor programs for future students interested in studying abroad. As an ISA alumni, I am available for students looking to study abroad and provide them with guidance in the application process and what it is like to study abroad. In my university, I was a part of the student organization Miners Going Global that was made up of students who had studied abroad. We mentored students who were interested in studying abroad. I was also a part of the Amigo Miner program from the Graduate School at my university. We were responsible for mentoring and aiding international graduate students coming to study at our university. Apart from my History major, I graduated with a minor in Asian Studies. My minor in Asian Studies and my previous visit to Korea served as motivation to wanting to pursue a master's degree in Korea. I want to study a master's degree in Asian History. For pursuing such a degree, studying it in Asia itself is an advantage and is very important. Being able to be and see myself what I am learning as I will be in Asia gives me an advantage for researching and learning better than trying to do so abroad. One of the main reasons for applying to this program is the first year of Korean language courses. For pursuing a master's degree in Asian History, it is important to have knowledge of at least one East Asian language between Chinese, Korean and Japanese. I will have the opportunity to master the Korean language with the help of this program by taking advantage of the first year of Korean language instruction and studying and researching in a Korean curriculum. I look forward to being able to have the opportunity to pursue my master's degree with the help of the Korean Government Scholarship Program.@Yennicall
So in the first paragraph, you mention that you're interested in cultures, specifically asian cultures. What aspects of the asian culture are you most intrigued by? You use the word "cultures" quite a few times, but didn't really specify the part of the cultures. We all know what culture is and what it means, but you should always treat your readers like they don't know what it means. So I would just go back and specify what you mean exactly.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,823 
4781 Carina, your essay lacks focus and a clear purpose for your study. This is nothing but a highly confused personal statement that does not deliver all of the important aspects as required of you by the prompt. Your study background is too confused. Try to discuss it in a manner that covers only one paragraph and concentrates on only one field of study which is Asian History. Rather than explaining so much about your extra curricular activities, try to focus more on your professional background, if any. Please refer to university accredited work experience such as internships and on the job training if you do not have any actual work experience to speak of yet.
Try to limit the information about your switching courses before finding the right one because that makes the essay excessively long without actually being helpful to your introduction or purpose for application. Most of all, format the essay properly. Use paragraph breaks to split up the content by topic. This will make it easier for the reader to review and consider your application information.
Most of all, create a definitive purpose for your studies. That is tremendously unclear at the moment due to the number of possible "purposes" for your application. Weigh all of your options in terms of the purpose and present only one, strong, and convincing purpose with a solid supporting argument for it. The argument that you have here in terms of your motivation and reasons for studying in Korea are good. It is purpose that needs to be better presented.
By the way, please create a paragraph that explains how your interest in Asian History has helped you to create a point of view about life and explain it further. You neglected to address that part of the prompt in the slew of information that you presented. Double check your essay for any missing information related to the prompt requirements. Then remove any unnecessary information as well, also based on the prompt requirements. Those procedures will help you present a clearer essay to the reviewer.
