Thankfully, I never felt like Ichiro from "No-No Boy". I have always felt comfortable with my culture and am happy to be apart of a Peruvian family. Being in a huge family can be tough at times, but that only makes you strive to be noticed and to do your very best at everything you do.
In this developed multicultural world we live in, its a blessing to be able to speak 2 languages. I am grateful that I can speak/write Spanish and English fluently. My parents, dad specifically, has taught me to never give up. His hardworking charisma has gotten him far to succeed in his business, and in all aspects of his life. My mother has given me the qualities to be loving and to treat all people with the respect and kindness they deserve, regardless of their race or of their social standings.
I am lucky enough to have parents that took me all around the world. I have traveled to Africa, South America, Europe, Caribbean Islands, and Canada. I have seen the daily struggles certain people have to face, yet are happier than people who have everything they need. This shaped me to be a contented human being with a triggering passion to help others.
Growing up in a Catholic family i went to church every Sunday and a salesian high school for four years. This strict education taught me to be well dressed, educated in the world, and most importantly, grateful.
I am willing to put in 110% at UNF and to show you my abilities if you give me the chance.
This is an interesting approach! I guess it's best if you start the essay with a sentence about No-No Boy. Make it a surprising, intriguing sentence that catches the reader's attention. Then, when you say, "Thankfully, I never..." the reader will know what you are talking about. The sentence about No-No Boy should explain in what way you are glad you are not like him.
At the end of the first paragraph, you established a theme of "working hard to get noticed, high achievement from people in large families" -- and this is also really interesting. This concept can be great as the main 'message' of your essay. Can you add another sentence to clarify the main idea? Make it a sentence that carries the message to the reader. Use another sentence at the end of the first paragraph as a way of sending the reader a message about the main truth of this paper. I think the reader will respond well to you if you show that you have always been driven toward success by an aspiration to 'be noticed' in a large family.
Great, great job!
I noticed one or two wrong grammar. But I think it sounds really good. You can fix some small grammar mistakes in your essay like "its" that has to be "it's" :-)
Praise:
I like how focused on the benefits of your family structure, and how thankful you are to have them.
Grammar:
You should always type out numbers in essays. (Your "2 languages" should be "two languages".)
There is an "I" in there that needs to be capitalized too.
Suggestions:
I don't know how Ichiro from "No-No Boy" feels. You make me guess throughout your essay. You also do not mention the name of the author, and you always must when writing a narrative responding to a short story.
Starting an essay with a sentence including a short story is not the best way to grab the attention of the reader. If you put yourself into the audience's shoes, not many people have read this short story. (I know you plan on submitting this for a scholarship, and the judges will have likely read your essay, but starting with the story title can still be boring.) If you start with an "attention-grabbing-device" then from the start the reader is going to be captivated by your story, rather than the writer having to fight to keep interest. An attention-grabbing-device should be relatable.
You mention the fact that you have a big family, but you only mention what your mother and father have taught you. What about your brothers and sisters? Or your aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc.?
You show you are hardworking, not tell UFC that you are hardworking and willing to put in "110%". Tell them about a time when you have, or leave that sentence out completely.
