In your own words, provide a brief biography that outlines your significant life events or experiences to give the judges a broader understanding of what motivates you. This also helps judges better understand where you come from, what you are currently doing, and what you hope to accomplish in the future. Type your biography in the text box below using 250 words or less.
I was born into an African family as the first son, a great position that comes with great responsibility. I grew up knowing I would eventually become the head of my family, so I have always been very protective of them. An early incident that strengthened my love for family was a bomb-blast that separated me from my family at the tender age of 7. Several high-caliber bombs had been accidently detonated on a nearby cantonment, and I was swept away in ensuing stampede of panicked citizens. For 2 days, I was all alone, terrified and unsure of my safety or that of my family. That experience, though scarring, made me realize how important family is and gave me a greater desire to protect and care for them.
I attended one of the most prestigious high schools in the country, where I was a member of the orchestra and the basketball team. After high school, I enrolled in a local university where I met people from different social and economic backgrounds. Though I grew to love my time at the school, the educational system was unfocused and erratic so my parents decided to send me and my siblings to the United States to continue our education. I now hope to use all the skills I've learnt over the years to survive and thrive in this foreign country.
Zikora, your essay is really best served as response if you will just use the first half that dealt with your family background. The sudden presentation of your educational side really did not have any transition and just shocked the reader because it was a total disconnect from your personal background story.
Your personal background really presents a very interesting and emotional side of your family. It is strong and shows a glimpse into your strong personality as you survived being away from your family for 2 days at such a young age. I would like to have read a further development of that side of your personality in relation to your family background. Maybe discuss more about your responsibility as the eldest son and discussing how at present, that responsibility is at the forefront of your desire to graduate and help your family in the future.
The essay is asking you to discuss significant experiences or events in your life so you need to make sure that your discussion relates to one another. You can't go from personal to academic without preparing the reader using a transition sentence at the very least. That is what made this current version ill-advised to use. Just be more personal and engaging. You can't go wrong by following the prompt :-)
Your brief biography is well-written, and I couldn't make out any grammatical flaws from what I can see. You answered the prompt excellently, selecting the traumatic experience of a bombing that fermented your sense of responsibility in your household and family, before continuing it in a lighter mood, showing your academic achievements. You are pretty good at explaining how these significant experiences have motivated and shaped your current goals, actions, and what you hope to do in the future, but the only suggestion I could think of is to make a proper transitioning from the first experience to second as the first paragraph and the second have little connection and needs to be immediately bridged; otherwise, I couldn't make out any flaws that pop out from what I can see. Good luck and I hope my criticism was valuable to you.
Only one revision XD
Though I grew to love my time at the school, the educational system was unfocused and erratic, so my parents decided to send me and my siblings to the United States to continue our education.
Zikora, the essay is written well and it could be better if you stick to the purpose of the essay.
What you did has complicated the whole essay, it's quiet easy anyway.
The prompt asked you to write a brief biography for purposes they know best, all you have to do is
answer the prompt properly.
I suggest that you revise the essay and delete the part where you talk about the academic statures
of your life, they just need to know you on a family aspect and from where you come from.
For future reference, before writing anything, review your prompt first, think hard about it and
on what to write, it pays a lot if you go direct with what the essay is asking for and who knows there
might be an addition to the prompt that you just did and the information is needed for the next prompt.
