"bringing my friends together" - Scholarship Essay for Washington University

Hi guys please give me your opinion on my scholarship essay to Washington University. Do you think that I have addressed all the questions the prompt asks for? The maximum word count is 500.

Prompt: Please describe your experience with diversity and your commitment to bring diverse groups together. Then describe your commitment to leadership in your school and how you would continue that commitment at Washington University if you are selected as an Ervin Scholar. Include specific examples of your dedication to the ideals embraced by the Ervin Scholars Program.

Like John B. Ervin, I believe in the importance of gaining a good education, and I also share his passion in engaging my community and helping to bring diverse people together. When I think about diversity I think about my family. I am the child of immigrant parents whose ethnicity is a minority in the US. My parents are from two different cultures and ethnic background. They taught me about the importance of gaining a good education. My father would constantly say, "Education is the key to success". They taught me to respect different cultural values, and to have a strong sense of personal identity.

My real-life experience, coupled with my family background can contribute to bringing diverse groups of people together. This experience can bring tremendous diversity to Washington University and can contribute to the mix of perspectives at this institution.

My closest friends at school are Mary and John. We spend most of our weekends together, and we enjoy each other's company, most of the time. The only time we have a problem is when we discuss religion. Mary and I are Christians, but John is an Agnostic. I was afraid that our friendship would end because of or constant arguing, so I suggested that we refrain from discussing religion when we are together. Instead, I invited them to attend my Youth group where we play various games, socialize and study the Bible. I was amazed when John started asking questions about the Bible. He seemed genuinely interested in trying to understand our beliefs rather than challenge or condemn them. Our conversations have become more cordial, and while we still do not share the same views on many of the subjects we discuss we have learned to be tolerant and respectful of each other's opinions.

The role that I played, in bringing my friends together, has convinced me that I have the ability to bring diverse groups together. So I have been exercising this leadership skill by encouraging our debating group to learn to talk without showing nervous mannerisms and by persuading and not shouting. I have also tried to inspire our soccer team to play as hard as they can despite the many losses that we have had. This real-life experience, coupled with my family background can bring tremendous diversity to Washington University and can contribute to the mix of perspectives at this institution.

If I am selected as an Ervin Scholar I am committed to continue to honor the legacy of John B. Ervin by practicing his core beliefs of diversity, leadership, and service.

This sentence doesn't add anything, as it just repeats the prompt in a different way. So, get rid of it.

My parents are from two different cultures and ethnic backgrounds .


You are repeating stuff again.

I'm not sure about the example of your friends. If I were you, I'd elaborate on the debating group or soccer team, and select one example from there.

However, this is just a personal opinion.

The conclusion looks ordinary. Think of something different.

My real-life experience, coupled with my...mix of perspectives at this institution.--- this part is where it seems to "stumble." What I mean by that... is... you powerfully asserted your theme in the intro, but then this sentence does not really add anything new...

I just noticed Ershad said the same thing... "repeating yourself."

So.. cut that, and replace it with a sentence about leadership. This is supposed to focus on leadership.

If you want an essay to be "tight" and intense, make sure every topic sentence has a message that is relevant to the thesis. So, this is not so good:

My closest friends at school are Mary and John.--- it is abrupt, choppy. You can fix it, though, like this:
One of my most memorable experiences of leadership involved my closest friends at school are Mary and John.

Do you see what I mean? The topic sentence tells the main idea of the para and the main idea of every para should say something about the thesis statement... the main idea of the whole essay.

Could you tell me in a single sentence the main idea of this essay?

Hi Kevin,
Thank you for your advice on correcting my essay. Can you explain what you mean when you say
" this part is where it stumbles." Can you give me an example on how to fix the problem.

It's like Ershad said... "repeating yourself." When you read this, it probably seems very different than it seems to a reader. The reader sees the main theme introduced, and then this part we are talking about seems to restate the same ideas. I think it is better to revise that so that the main idea of the para is something that supports the main idea of the essay. I hope that explanation helps; it is hard to explain what I mean.