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The British Council to Help in my Studies? - IELTS scholarship


QuynhNhung 1 / 9  
May 21, 2011   #1
Hello everyone,

The requirement for this essay is 250 words limit and the topic is: To what extent will British Council IELTS Scholarship help you in your studies? - My essay may lack cohesion and have grammatical errors. Could anyone provide some feedbacks? This is also my first post on EssayForum.Thanks for your concerning:)

The role of accountant has been significantly critical to detect international commerce fraud, investigate defaults and consult companies in financial decision making. Accounting information is extremely crucial for both internal and external users so as to assist with various management processes and make determination about the entity. Due to my strong assertion in importance of accountancy to the global business, studying within accounting is my long term education objective.

Since I was little, my passion of mathematics and logistics motivated me to sit an examination of math which was held by a well-known mathematic organization. I was surprised that I got the high distinction mark which was equal with the third prize. At this moment, I was aware of my potential ability which is only appropriate with numbers and statistics. I found out accounting to be conceptually intriguing and quickly discover my proclivity to financial business when I took the first course at accounting center. I am very passionate about the methodology of measuring assets and liabilities category on the Balance Sheet and the changes in owner's equity reflecting a company's financial situation. For this reason, I cherish a hope that I can enhance my knowledge about accounting and desire accounting to be my future occupation.

Furthermore, I am currently pursuing a Bachelor degree with concentration on accounting stream at RMIT University to acquire broaden range of mandatory accounting perception. I also intend to participate in several certificate program classes to become an official member of professional accounting association such as CPA Australia and ICAA program. Therefore, I am willing to attend in professional training; however, the unaffordable fee of bachelor program and accounting training has precluded me from achieving my objectives.

The British Council IELTS scholarship will absolutely strengthen my opportunities to undertake international accounting course and certification program which I cannot defray because of my financial burden. The scholarship can assist me further my competent training which I set target to receive the recognition from professional accounting institutions. In addition, this scholarship base on the purpose of helping students to experience the international education and participate in expert study. Similarly, I always dream of analyzing accounting information and financial knowledge in the international studying environment which in turn accomplish my understanding and broaden my experience. For this reason, this scholarship can facilitate my learning by paying a part of tuition fee which is an indispensable condition to study at university and accounting training program. On the whole, the scholarship provides promising opportunities for me to undertake better learning environment which can advance my knowledge of accountancy. Therefore, I certainly believe that the British Council IELTS scholarship can make a remarkable contribution to my continuing education in the near future.
linmark 2 / 328 7  
May 21, 2011   #2
Hello Nhung,
Your essay covers your educational aptitude and determination, as well as financial need. However, I missed learning more about you as a person. I would have liked to see something on an important and formative practical (or work) experience. And I felt the last paragraph could be significantly shortened. And the first two paragraphs could be rationalized and streamlined.

Good luck and send another round!
Neeta 5 / 38  
May 21, 2011   #3
@Nhug- I'm so glad to see a thread by you.

Lets come to feedback. :-)

1 - key words in this essay are "IELTS", "scholarship", "studies", "help", "you".

2 - Deal with this topic as SOP that is Statement of Purpose with few changes.

3 - 1st paragraph- define "IETLS" and "scholarship", talk about importance of IELTS (here you can write that IELTS boosts up confident among students aspiring to student in English speaking countries) , how it has helped foreign students (do your research well, and give references of article, websites, books. Also, make a reference page and write the same there and if you need help with reference format google or ask moderators)

4 - 2nd paragraph- your history and reason for studying abroad. Achievements and target goal. (this will show your are very focus on what you are doing. Thus, leaves a good impact on the readers or the body who are responsible for short listing candidates)

5 - 3rd paragraph- Reason how IETLS can help you achieve your expectations besides, being a big support in bearing accommodation and fooding, tutition fees etc., Why you are the most eligible candidate to be offered scholarship. (write your strength and how and what are you doing to turn weakness into strength.)

6 - 4th paragraph- summary, a polite note to the readers saying that "thanks for going through my essay"

7 - Last but not least, pay attention to grammar and vocabulary. Show various type of sentence structure

Oh yeah! you can write gaining a scholarship is an achievement that you can write on your resume because this is highly acknowledge by employees. It shows, I'm result driven, confident, determined blah blah blah (google/search for references to back up point)
OP QuynhNhung 1 / 9  
May 21, 2011   #4
Thanks for your advice, A.Smith. I am currently a student at university. I haven't worked for any companies so I do not have any practical experience or working understanding. Therefore, it is pretty difficult for me to mention about working experience here. Btw, thanks for your feedback:)
OP QuynhNhung 1 / 9  
May 21, 2011   #5
Hello Neeta,

Firstly, congratulation for your IELTS band score!

Thanks a lot for your amazing feedback. I like the way you explain and show my essay's weakness. I admit that I do not provide the advantage of IELTS to students and its definition.

Do you think I should delete my first original paragraph and replace it by an importance of IELTS or can I combine my education goal with some background info of IELTS scholarship??
Neeta 5 / 38  
May 21, 2011   #6
I will suggest to edit. There are a lot of good ideas. Try not to be wordy. For example- you mentioned about your accounting and then you simply went on. To me, it's not holding back audiences interest. :d

If you think my points are relevant then simply add to your essay to the bit you find it appropriate. However, usually the structure is one I recommended to you, but every author has a different style r call it approach- REMEMBER that :-)

Like I've been telling to everyone- use synonym words, a perfect coherence,display correct use of tense and a variety in sentence structure.

Edit and get back. I'll be waiting. :-)
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
May 22, 2011   #7
Due to my strong assertion in appreciation for the importance of accountancy in the global business, studying within accounting is my long-term education objective is to use accounting knowledge to _________________(what will you do to make a positive difference in the world?)

Since I was little, my passion of for mathematics and...

Nice job!! This is a strong essay...

:-)
OP QuynhNhung 1 / 9  
May 23, 2011   #8
thanks a lot for your feedback, Kevin and Netta. I am editing for my original essay. I will give back my well written essay as soon as possible:)
OP QuynhNhung 1 / 9  
May 23, 2011   #9
Here is my editing version with several alternations.

First paragraph:
The importance of IELTS and background information of my study objective.

Many universities are requiring the English proficiency level which makes every student difficult to enroll in studying further education. However, thanks for International English language testing system (IELTS), many students can take this exam to indicate their language proficiency which is mostly recognized by many colleges and universities. In order to obtain higher level of education, I also took IELTS test to demonstrate my caliber of english and ability of understanding another language. Fortunately, I have achieved the requirement of IELTS band score and got accepted to study bachelor of business with major field of accountancy. Due to my appreciation for the importance of accountancy in the global business, my long-term education objective is to use accounting knowledge to create a optimistic alternation in the current economic crisis.

Second paragraph:
My biography and achievement I've attained in the past

Since I was little, my passion for mathematics and logistics motivated me to sit an examination of math which was held by a well-known mathematic organization. I was surprised that I got the high distinction mark which was equal with the third prize. At this moment, I was aware of my potential ability which is only appropriate with numbers and statistics. I found out accounting to be conceptually interesting and quickly discover my proclivity to financial business when I took the first course at accounting center. I am very passionate about the methodology of measuring assets and liabilities category on the Balance Sheet and the changes in owner's equity reflecting a company's financial situation. For this reason, I cherish a hope that I can enhance my knowledge about accounting and desire accounting to be my future occupation.

2nd paragraph- your history and reason for studying abroad

( This scholarship acquire for domestic students to study in the home country. Therefore, studying aboard is not my goal).

Third and fouth paragraph:
How British Council IELTS scholarship can help me to achieve my education objectives.

Additionally, I am currently pursuing a Bachelor degree with concentration on accounting stream at RMIT University to acquire broaden range of mandatory accounting perception. I also intend to participate in several certificate program classes to become an official member of professional accounting association. Therefore, I am willing to attend in professional training; however, the unaffordable fee of bachelor program and accounting training has precluded me from achieving my objectives. For this reason, the British Council IELTS scholarship will absolutely strengthen my opportunities to undertake international accounting course and certification program which I cannot defray because of my financial burden.

The scholarship can assist me further my competent training which I set target to receive the recognition from professional accounting institutions. In addition, this scholarship bases on the purpose of helping students to experience the international education and participate in expert study. Similarly, I always dream of analyzing accounting information and financial knowledge in the international studying environment which in turn accomplish my understanding and broaden my experience. For this reason, this scholarship can facilitate my learning by paying a part of tuition fee which is an indispensable condition to study at university and accounting training program. On the whole, the scholarship provides promising opportunities for me to undertake better learning environment which can advance my knowledge of accountancy. Therefore, I certainly believe that the British Council IELTS scholarship can make a remarkable contribution to my continuing education in the near future.

The final paragraph:A thank to judges for concerning my application.

To put in nutshell, I certainly believe that selecting British Council scholarship can make a remarkable contribution to my continuing education in the near future. For this reason, I truly appreciate your consideration about my application and I am looking forward to receiving a goodwill responding.

Do you see any grammatical mistakes and unconnecting stucture? Feel free to delete some unnecessary part and make some changes:)
OP QuynhNhung 1 / 9  
May 23, 2011   #10
Thank you a lot, Cornelius. Your scholarship essay helps me recognize the weakness of my essay and makes it better. I think your essay is very well-organized and wide range vocabulary. You're doing great job!!

Thanks again for your supporting.
Neeta 5 / 38  
May 24, 2011   #11
Hello there!

I read it and please give me a day or two to get back to you with feedback :D
OP QuynhNhung 1 / 9  
May 24, 2011   #12
Feel free to get how much time you want, Neeta, as long as you can provide me with some suggestions and correction to my essay.
linmark 2 / 328 7  
May 25, 2011   #13
Hi again Nhung,
Before providing grammar and spelling corrections, can I repose my suggestion for you to include a good example which presents you as a person? This can be something personal (slice of life) or a short recap of formative practical (or work) experience that made you like accounting.

Also, the rewrite seems to be over 250 words. So I agree with Neeta's suggestion of editing to be more concise.
OP QuynhNhung 1 / 9  
May 25, 2011   #14
Hello A. Smith,
Thanks again for your suggestion. I will add a example regarding to personal experience or motivation that made me like accounting. You can delete any unnecessary parts if you think they are abundant.
Neeta 5 / 38  
May 27, 2011   #15
Firstly, I'm extremely sorry.

About essay- I feel its not in a flow. Your 1st paragraph is not much connect with rest and visa versa.

Do you recall reading a short story or any article. If you do, read it again and see how each paragraph is well connect with each other. Moreover, I agree with A.Smith :-). He offered a wise advice, better make a use of it. :-)

Rest is fine :D


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