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British university graduate - my essay for Chevening scholarship

Medo91 4 / 10 3  
Oct 16, 2016   #1
Chevening is looking for individuals who have a clear post-study career plan. Please outline your immediate plans upon returning home and your longer term career goals. You may wish to consider how these relate to what the UK government is doing in your country.

My answer:

Upon graduation day and the time of packing my suitcase returning back to Syria comes, I hope that the current situation has come to an end and the process of rebuilding the country has begun. My immediate career plan is to return to my hometown, an ancient metropolis and one of the oldest continuously inhabited cities in the world. It makes me sad to say that at this time, Aleppo is distinguished as the most vandalized city since the WWII.

I plan to get involved in humanitarian work specifically in supply chain management and logistics since the country and particularly my city is heavily laden with human crises and more volunteers are urgently required to help those in desperate need. What my one-year master study in Britain relates to that is when being a Chevening Alumni and a UK university graduate; this will enhance my competencies to search and become a member of any British special committee or organization offering aid and food supplies to the refugee's camps located near the borders of Turkey. The UK's membership of the International Syria Support Group has many notable actions to be recognized whether politically or through humanitarian assistance; The UK has committed £2.3bn of humanitarian aid to the region since the start of the conflict and has partners working on the Syrian ground like the British Red Cross and the Syrian Arab Red Crescent partnership.

I look for accomplishments in reaching secluded areas and entering humanitarian aids to besieged territories where people are in danger of death due to hunger and extreme lack of pure water and medicines. Furthermore, I will strive to launch initiatives with the help of NGOs to stop depriving civilians of their basic rights of food and medical needs. These goals can only be achieved by a senior international consultant who is competent in the field of strategic management and can propose sound and effective policies to determine the required actions resulting in task achievement.

In the long run, I see myself running senior roles as diverse as international supply chain management, business development, and management consultancy. I am the type of person who likes to get the instructions and then be left by myself or with a group to do the assignment or task. The authority and innovation that features these positions make it incumbent on me to become an expert in these fields and become a successful decision maker.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,560 2976  
Oct 17, 2016   #2
Madouh, Have you given any thought to actually developing a career plan that would fully utilize a partnership with the British groups as part of your long term career goal? I was thinking along the lines of having you mention a specific British group in general, rather than one that is part of an organized effort or as common as the Red Cross or Red Crescent Partnership. Consider if you will, what you hope to accomplish for Syria in terms of recovery and development. I am sure it relates to your chosen profession right? So find the specific British group that can work with you and lay out your plan for working with them for the good of Syria. That way your long term goal becomes something tangible. It tells the reviewer that you are actually looking forward to making a real difference in the long term pursuit of rebuilding your country. As of now, all you have are general ideas that sound nice on paper, but in terms of execution, remains wanting. So if you have at least a solid long term goal to present, in terms of cooperation at least, then your essay will have a more solid presentation of your future plans. Basically, what you should present looks something like this:

Plan + Partnership + idea for execution = Solution to an existing long term problem in Syria
OP Medo91 4 / 10 3  
Oct 17, 2016   #3
Thank you @Holt for this thorough analysis of my answer and I understood the point you are talking about .I will try to edit this point in particular and kindly take a look on the edition
OP Medo91 4 / 10 3  
Oct 26, 2016   #4
This is the second edition of the same topic after applying some changes in the passage, looking for your feedback.
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,560 2976  
Oct 27, 2016   #5
Madouh, how many years do you think it will take from graduation to the full implementation of your ideas? It is not enough to mention the organization you plan to work with. You have to explain, on a year to year basis, how you plan to get this idea off the ground. What I read instead is a very long introduction and a backgrounder on the association you wish to work with. While that is good, that is not what the reviewer need from you.

Consider that this is a career planning essay. It is like a job interview. During the interview, one of the questions asked is "Where do you see yourself in this company in the future?". Normally, the response to that is presented in the number of years you hope to work with that company. That is the same case here. Only, you have to present the step by step plan as your estimated number of years for career plan completion.

Honestly, your essay comes across now as a statement of purpose rather than a career plan. I hope you can further revise the content using my advice in order to create a more responsive essay.

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