Brunel University - Country Specific Scholarship

Dear friends,

Please give your review/opinion on my essay for scholarship:

Personal Statement

Since in high school, I always have a vision to be a future leader and innovator. In order to pursue my dream, a prestigious Master's degree is necessary to prepare me with the knowledge, experience, and networking I need. Through some research, I realize that Brunel University is the right place. With its vibrant international community, Brunel University creates an environment where I can have the experience to work with people from different countries. Being internationally communicative will be a key factor to be the future leader in Civil Engineering. Studying in Brunel would also allow me to apply my mind on real-world problems, which will simultaneously cultivate my knowledge and experience to solve construction problems. My professional experience and Brunel University Master's degree will be the foundation to innovate new practical solutions and deliver positive values to the world.

I communicate with foreign people almost in daily basis in my workplace. The experience made me an open-minded person. Therefore, I have good self-confidence in my communication skill, which is vital for a good ambassador for both my Master's course and Brunel University. Moreover, I always interested to meet people and build relationship with them. I regard our different way of thinking as the gate to new knowledge and insights. Therefore, I also eager to have good communication with people I am going to meet as an ambassador. There are many interesting things in Indonesia's culture. One of them is the phrase "Gotong Royong", which means helping each other. The phrase deeply represents our vastly diverse culture, even our ideology. With more than one thousand ethnicity, Indonesian people are known to smile even to strangers, and are not hesitant to help each other. I believe that the value in our culture would bring positive impact. Therefore, if I got the chance to be the Ambassador, I would like to bring our culture and introduce it to the people at the University or UK.

Aside from routine academic activity, I also interested in organizational activity. My most remarkable experience in organization was when I became the first Chairman of ICE (Institution of Civil Engineering) Binus University Student Chapter. I had the vision to introduce ICE to Binus Students, and to build up strong communication between Binus and ICE. We succeeded to hold several international seminars in 2013 and 2014, with excellent international-level engineers as keynote speakers from ICE network. Then, in 2014, we create a program called ICE-Binus Student Presentation. In this program, the graduating students from Binus University will have a chance to present his/her thesis in front of ICE Technical Meeting audience. Through this, Binus University graduates were exposed to international network. It offered huge opportunity for our students to build networking and work at global companies.

Finally, I am ready and really passionate to commit myself in becoming Brunel University Indonesia ambassador, and gain the experience and education offered by the Master's Degree, in order to develop myself, and to give my best for Indonesia's development.

Word count: 498

@Eng Phin Hello!
I think your essay is really good as it is relevant with what the instruction told you, and you are keeping up with it until the end of your essay. Below are some minor corrections for your essay:

"Since high school", do not use in
I think it will be better if you change the second last sentence in first paragraph to : "would allow me to apply my knowledge to.."

I amalways interested, I amalso interested.
Indonesianculture, Indonesianambassador, Indonesiandevelopment.
That was it from me, I wish you find this useful and best of luck :)

Eng, explain more about your profession and why you communicate with foreigners daily. How has that experience prepared you for your masters degree studies? You have presented a good draft essay. It cannot be considered to be an essay in it's final form because it lacks evidentiary data to support your claims. A strong essay of this type should present one of each suggested achievement type in order to prove your mettle as a leader in the past, your present, and possibly, future. While your essay is nicely worded, it doesn't offer much in terms of real world application on your end. It is the actual application of your ambassadorial skills in your current profession that can spell the difference between your successful or unsuccessful application essay. It will be necessary for you to revise your first paragraph in order to accommodate the suggested revision points.

A LOT OF CHANGES NEEDED: Just first paragraph done here.

As an engineer working in construction field (for the past how many years?), I wish to become future leader and innovator (how? by starting my own business, etc.).

To achieve that (better say "my career goal"), a prestigious Master's degree in Structural Engineering is necessary to prepare me with the knowledge, experience, and networking I need.

I believe (that) Brunel University, with its vibrant international community (offers) an opportunity to connect with people from around the world, is the perfect place to achieve my career goal.

The courses will teach me about advanced knowledge (about latest technological developments) in concrete and steel structure, and structural dynamics, which are very relevant to Indonesian Engineering situation.

My strong professional experience and Master's degree will be the foundation to new innovations and deliver positive values to the world (this DOESN'T MAKE SENSE).

Best.

Sartaj.