Before I came to America, I had realized that my parents don't have enough money to pay my 4 year degree in United States. They can afford my 2 year degree. Due to my cousin provides me free food and place to live, my parents don't have to pay my living expenses. However, it seems that now I and my cousin cannot get along with each other. As a result, I have to rent an apartment in order to continue my education in America. This matter certainly will increase my parent's expenditure since they have to pay my food and apartment rent. If I cannot get a job on-campus and any scholarship, I will not be able to finish my four year degree. [...]
I am really sorry but your essay isn't very special. The content of you essay is very similar to thousands of international students' stories (including mine).
You have to tell the school that you are different. No sob story, nothing. Show them that you are active, intelligent, caring, someone who is worth a scholarship based on ability, not desperation or need (even though the latter might be true)
"I have contributed diversity to my living environment"- almost has a cocky connotation. The school knows that you have contributed to the diversity.
Try writing about how your major/education is going to help others, and probably some hints about your economic condition but not focusing it.
Hope this helped.
Good luck. :)
THanks for your response, but the need based is determined by the financial need.
This is how the essay is judged:
1. Need based - Determined by the financial needs of the student. Explain to us why you need this scholarship.
2. Merit based - Determined by how a student has affected his/her community for the better. Explain how you have contributed to your community and why you deserve this scholarship.
Gotchya. Even though those might be the specific questions, i think you still need to show that you excel in education and your financial situation has impeded your progress, your dream. Anyway, here are some grammar mistakes.
Before I came to America, I had realized that my parents don'tdidn't have enough money to pay for my 4 year degree in United States. They cancould afford my 2 year degree. Due to my cousin providesd me free food and place to live, my parents don'tdidn't have to pay for my living expenses. However, it seems that now I and my cousinmy cousin and I cannot get along with each other. As a result, I have to rent an apartment in order to continue my education in America. This matter certainly will increase my parent's expenditure since they have to pay for my food and apartment rent. If I cannotdon't get a job on-campus and anyor a scholarship, I will not be able to finish my four year degree.
By studying in American college as an international student, I have contributed diversity to my living environment. I have shared my experience when I was living in IndonesiaIndonesian culture with my American and international friends. Some of my American friends had never heard of Indonesia before, so I described to them where exactly Indonesia isexplained them in details about Indonesian life . In addition, I also introduced some simple Indonesian's food to my multicultural friends.
To conclude, my financial crisis was caused by unexpected problem which can affect my education progress. As a result, if I can overcome this problem, I can get better education in United States and contribute diversity to my living environment.
May i ask which university are you applying to? I kid you not i had the same exact issue. When i couldn't live with my cousin, i rented an apartment ( san francisco) which was uber expensive. After couple of months, i became broke and came back home. Now it's been almost a year since i have not gone to school. Currently i am applying to schools as an international transfer student. International transfering is ridiculously hard and the financial aid is so limited. Are you transfering or just applying for aid in the same college? Sorry, about all these questions. I couldn't help but ask since i went through the same thing.
Work on your essay a bit more and I hope you get the scholarship.
Good luck. :)
You really need to go over your grammar because you still need to express your story while also proving you can write. I would go back over it a few more times and correct all grammatical errors and focus on word choice.
