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And I have carried that lesson with me everywhere since; National Merit Scholarship


devyndowdle11 1 / -  
Dec 12, 2012   #1
Prompt:To help the reviewers get to know you, describe an experience you have had, a person who has influenced you, or an obstacle you have overcome. Explain why this is meaningful to you

Hot, salty tears continuously run down my dirt-streaked face and cling to the tip of my nose. I can feel the flush of blood run to my cheeks in embarrassment. All I can think is, "I am so patheticly weak!" I can feel my stomache aching, and I know, if it hadn't already, my breakfast would be coming back. My limbs feel like giant rubber hoses, with no life in them. There is no will in me to move from my current position, with my knees curled to my chest, and my face in the dirt.

The sun is beating down on my back with sharp lances of sunlight. "Come on, get up." I hear from far away to my left. it is not unkind, but I have no inclination to obey it. "You can do it. Mind over matter." The voice is getting closer to my ear, but still my resolve to do anything has vanished. Suddenly, there she is, knelt on the ground so she can put her face directly in front of mine. "Almost done! You can do it, just finish! Always finish!" In my mind, though, I know I'll never be able to finish the last eight miles of our marathon.

Without quite realizing it, I allow my coach to help me to my feet. Her face breaks out into an incredulous grin. My mind doesnt even function enough to wonder how she can manage to smile, or stand after the first eighteen miles. Coach T resumes spewing her never-ending monologue of encouragements, all while running next to me, until finally, the unthinkable happens. We cross the finish line.

Finishing those twenty-six miles was undoubtedly the most rewarding and satisfying moment of my life. Never before have I needed so much focus or determination. Yet I know that without Coach T there to help me, I would never have finished. She has been so much more than just my high school volleyball coach; she has helped me learn things that no other person ever could. She taught me that quitting anything is never an option, but most importantly, she taught me that i can do anything if I sincerely try. And I have carried that lesson with me everywhere since.
nairbear68 6 / 29 6  
Dec 15, 2012   #2
There are a few grammatical discrepancies that detract from the essay, such as "knelt on the ground," which should be "kneeling." Also try to keep your tenses consistent.

This influential person essay is good because it doesn't start with "this person has influenced me blah blah." Try to expand more on those last few sentences about how she has helped you and cut down on the story a bit, that would make it better.

I'd appreciate it if you would also look at my essay, it's the letter to a future roommate one :)
jawong2010 - / 2  
Dec 24, 2012   #3
Hot, salty tears continuously ran down my dirt-streaked face and clung to the tip of my nose

Without quite realizing it, I allow my coach to help me to my feet

And I have carried that lesson with me everywhere since.

- Since then, I have carried that lesson with me everywhere
s23180185 2 / 5  
Dec 28, 2012   #4
It's pretty good, very descriptive


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