What has challenged me and convince to put my next milestone in the Master of Dietetics?

Hi all!

I'm very happy because I found this forum, another helpful and useful forum beside e-book forum. I want to try to apply a scholarship and there are several personal statements that I have to complete. Honestly, the closing deadline only a few days later, but I still want to put my effort to complete the application before it really closed. I wish somebody will be kindly help and guide me to improve my first personal statement. This is the question"

"How did you identify your proposed course and institution?"
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My mother always blocked me and my sisters to go out without eating our breakfast first. My mother did not have a scientific reason behind that custom, she did that merely because when we skipped our breakfast, we became less enthusiast and experienced unstable mood after school. The first semester in college, I found out the scientific explanation about the benefit of breakfast habit and I told my mother about that. Thereafter, I always feel proud and excited to share about the effect of food to people's body. Since then, I became more focus to learn about the nutrition and dietetics in the class. Promotion, prevention, cure and rehabilitation are the efforts to increase health status in the community. I got that previous sentence from one of the speakers of the faculty orientation seminar. Some people, maybe doubt or pretend not to care about the role of food for health, but I believe that food and nutrition are the part of a significant aspect for each effort. These few months, I have learned that food and nutrient intake could significantly affect the improvement and the deterioration of patient health condition. My undergraduate courses mostly covered the skills for community and public health nutrition, despite my foundation in dietetic is not solid enough, I always try to be more aware and considerate every time I gave the nutrition prescription. In accordance with that, I sense the need to pursue the master degree that offers specific and comprehensive lessons of dietetics.

My academic supervisor told me that Australia is more advanced in nutrition and dietetics field and have some novel research related to the nutrition, she advised me to think about continuing my study in Australia and find out more information about that. I did as she told and I found out that Master of Dietetics in AAA University are the most suitable options for me because the list of courses on the website already pictured my desire to learn more about medical nutrition therapy, moreover it offers plenty of professional practice. I was attending AAA University Information Session in Jakarta and I was told that they only accept a limited number of students in the Master of Dietetics due to the high intensity of the course. Those facts have been challenged me and continue to convince me to put my next milestone in the Master of Dietetics of AAA University.

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Thank you all :))

1st paragraph: If you use the word block, it sounds like a physical demand. Instead of blocked you can use the word insisted. Did your mother insist that you avoid leaving the house without having breakfast? You could end the next sentence with custom. Start a new sentence with the word, "She". You can use, we were less enthusiastic and moody. Change habit to habits. When you read this sentence again after the change you will see that it adds more meaning to the sentence. You can relate how you discussed this with your mother. Now the reader can know that it is the scientific explanations of breakfast habits you are referencing. When you say you feel proud it has to be in the past because you are still discussing the past. Change feel to felt. Start a new paragraph with the next sentence that starts with: "Since then..." I think you should delete the next two sentences. You can continue to discuss how some people may doubt the role of food for health. However, the end of this sentence is too confusing. What do you mean when you discuss a "significant aspect for each effort"? Do people have to taken an interest and but effort in understanding food and nutrition? I don't think it is necessary to use deterioration since you use improvement. It should be "improvement of a patient's health condition". This next sentence is too long. It needs to be changed. I don't think you need to mention nutrition prescription. I need to understand as a reader why you say your foundation is in dietetics. Did the major in community and public health nutrition not address the subject of dietetics?

2nd paragraph: You would benefit from making simpler sentences. The first sentence you can discuss how Australia has a better program. The next sentence, begin to discuss how your adviser thought you should continue your studies. You should use, "the" before Masters. I think you shouldn't use picture my desire. I'm not sure if you are trying to say it increased your desire. Start a new sentence using moreover and place a comma after this word. When you discuss high intensity, do you mean high enrollment rates? Change the last sentence and make it stronger. I hope this helps!

Hi, kenkankun. I'm short on time at the moment, but I can edit a very small section of your essay for you. Here are my proposed changes to the beginning sentences:

My mother's insistence thatalways blocked me and my sisters and meto go out without eating oureat breakfast firstbefore leaving the house each morning sparked my interest in the role good nutrition plays in maintaining health . It was not until college (college biology? college biochemistry? I think you should name the class where you learned about this) that I understood why my mood and energy levels suffered on days that I skipped breakfast.My mother did not have a scientific reason behind that custom, she did that merely because when we skipped our breakfast, we became less enthusiast and experienced unstable mood after school.

I'll try to come back later and do more. Or maybe someone else can help with the next few sentences. I hope that helped a little!

I just noticed a grammatical error in my revision for you. Here it is again, this time with correct grammar:

My mother's insistence that always blocked me and my sisters and meIto go out without eating our eat breakfast first . eat breakfast before leaving the house each morning sparked my interest in the role good nutrition plays in maintaining health.

Hi Icturn87 and ChristineB!

Thank you so much for your resp

Hi Icturn87 and ChristineB!

Thank you so much for your respons and advices. Both of you has taught me how to put the suitable vocabulary, arrange an effective sentence and elaborate an explanation. I am in the middle of the essay revision.

@Icturn87: I arranged wrong sentence in the beginning of the essay and I just realized after I read your comment. Thank you so much.

@ChristineB: Your short revision already help and remind me to put the right term related to my major.

I wish both of you will continue to help me in writing a good essay in english. :)))