I haven't really sat and re-read over every little thing, but I think I stared at the essay too long to really pin-point the bad things. Help me out!
Prompt is "why do you deserve this scholarship?"
I know I've truly blossomed through whatever challenges came my way for the past eighteen years. I also know that this is only the beginning of my blossoming stage as I will continue to take day by day to the end of my journey that, I hope, one day will successfully produce a beautiful flower, one that will live on past my breaths to inspire the many flowers that will come after me. It's difficult for me to explain to you how much I've flourished through the thorns and rocks and to persuade you that I will only continue to achieve the best and not settle for the mediocrity, especially with the financial support I anticipate to receive, but please, hear me out.
It is the classic and redundant story of most of the 35.2 million immigrants living in America, but it is the most significant and defining story for me. Significant and Defining because it is that that has awakened me to realize the endless limit I have before me. July 1999. I moved to America on my seventh birthday and glistened to my birthday song in a shabby apartment with only a full size mattress my parents found in the dumpster earlier that afternoon. Frankly, I didn't mind; life was one big adventure at the age of seven and so, I smiled on my birthday as I would have on any other birthdays. But as I look back eleven years later, I wonder if my parents smiled as wide as I did. My educated mother worked as a janitor and my barely English-literate father studied to receive his acupuncture license all while we were low on income and were chasing after ants that infested our floors. My parents have come a long way only for one purpose and that purpose is me.
Living in America where opportunities are bountiful made me realize that with my passion to succeed, I could pass all boundaries and become who I dreamt I would be yesterday. In pursing this "American Dream," I discovered my previously dormant passion for law and a desire to explore the rules by which we distinguish our behaviors while interning at Kim&Woo, LLC. During my three-month internship, I was inspired not to attend law school on a mission, but to appreciate the existence of law as a tool of opportunity to contribute as we build our future. I am determined to redefine law to others not as means of attack but to reveal the remarkable beauty and function of law that is to strengthen the infrastructure on what United States uplifts its name on together in unity of individuals.
A year later, when CNN took me in as a student intern, I realized my passion for law wasn't enough to settle as my career path. I noticed that I extremely enjoy public speaking and am an extrovert, feeling more rewarded when working with others rather than individually. I saw the business setting and structure of CNN very fit for my personality that function in hierarchy, priority, and technicality in system. In the midst of the introduction to the business world, I began to shadow under my father as a acupuncture assistant and realized my fascination for science. The laws of nature of physics, biology, anatomy, astrology, and other sciences by which we inevitably live by, unlike the legal law that we continuously reshape, proved how systematic our life is embedded into this biome of world. I redirected my passion from one of a singular interest to another composed of all my passions conglomerated together. I discovered my career path in which I will major in biology and attend law school to finally becoming a patent lawyer for medical and electronic market goods.
Although I finally found a career path that consists of all my deepest interest and that is very fitting to my personality and characteristic through hands-on internships, my dream may be hindered due to my family's financial status. My family does not have United States citizenship and is here in America as temporary residents. Although my family applied to receive a permanent resident card, as a temporary resident, I do not receive the Georgia Hope Scholarship and do not qualify for many available scholarships offered to many students even with my 4.0 GPA and my many other academic and musical achievements. My parents have had difficulty paying $15,000, a full tuition amount for in-state students, for older sister who currently attends college. This year, I will be joining my sister in college, and I worry my parents will not be able to pay the tuition for both me and my sister every semester. Temporary resident students are rarely granted opportunity for student loans and I do not anticipating applying for the work-study program because I would like to allocate all my time to educational matters in effort to become the patent lawyer I've always dreamed of becoming. I hope you would recognize my characteristics and potentials and would give me a chance to have an opportunity to reach for my dreams. Your valuable scholarship would enable me to pursue my study wholeheartedly and to continue blossoming through the many priceless education and experiences to come.
all in all...
pcvrz34g, you use a very vivid metaphore of yourself as a flower blossoming. I like the idea, but you can expand on it more. Give more details on the flower and how it relates to you, and not just on a superficial level. Creating more depth to the metaphore sucks the reader in. Think of it like this. If you were the reader, would you like to read this piece? and again? and again?
supportive details...
were chasing after ants that infested our floors ? I know you mean that to support the idea that you were in poverty, but it doesn't add up right. Try to embellish the thought and connect those ideas a bit better
no um's or but's about it!
The reader knows you know ;). So instead of stating it like your opinion, make it a fact
bit weak- I know I've truly blossomed through whatever challenges came my way for the past eighteen years
stronger - I've truly blossomed through whatever challenges came my way for the past eighteen years
(a lil bit of embellishment, a lil bit of interesting ...) Though I faced countless challenges for the past eighteen years, I not whither. I rose higher and blossomed .... (see?)
grammar...
Try to stick with first or second person and not both. You can take out the "to you"s (1st paragraph ).
I cannot say I found all the mistakes;however I hope its a start. Good luck!
