Hi! I am planning to apply GKS 2020. I need your review on my personal statement essay. Thank you :)
What brings the future? I have my dream
There was night when I could not sleep thinking who I am, what things that I already did, also what I want to do next. Many thoughts come to me afterwards. The ideas that running in my head, the purpose that I am trying to hold, the question that remains, "What do you want to do in your life?"
I started questioning myself after I became a part of the acceleration student in junior and senior high school. Resembling as someone who expected smarts, I just passed my days as an ordinary student who has good grades. Different from my friends who want to enter a top university and ambitious enough to take part in Olympiads, I did not have that ambition.
I joined the college as an agriculture student. When I thought after graduating everything will be clear, I was false. I was looking for acceptance by applying for a prestigious job, scholarship or making "good" business ideas.
On 2017, months after graduating, I was still struggling to find what I want to do. I was looking for the real me. Later I entered XXX (now become a unicorn startup) seeking an opportunity as part of the change-maker, but the company circumstance made me resigned. After that, I helped my former lecturer to do some research. Part timely I started an agribusiness with my friends. We build a farm in XXX, getting investment and engagement with the market. Our poor experience made the business stop. At that time, I was thinking that learn the business is important and need to connect among the real people who run business. Hence I decided to join another startup company again.
On 2018, I became part of XXXX, a supply chain and logistic startup who deliver fresh produce to small-medium enterprise (SME). This company main goal is to help the underserved. I joined the Operations team as Fleet Management Officer to Special Project Team, the team who improve the process in the Operations team. This time I could learn more and got exposure from other departments.
One of my achievement is reducing the cost per drop point (delivery cost) in XXXX. I also work closely with Tech and Product Team to develop the Transport Management System. Performing great at work, I got promoted as Fleet Management Supervisor and started to learn leadership. Become on the leadership path makes me understand myself, my lacking self, my longing, and the impact that I already and wanted to create. I could say that finally, I find the real me.
The thing that grows higher is the eagerness of pursuing higher education. South Korea is the destination that I choose to continue my study. This country is known as a part of the economy and business change-maker. Many breakthrough innovations created in this country from the entertainment industry to the technology sector.
In the other hands, South Korea through Korean Idol encourages people to not giving up in our dream and believing in ourselves. Until the night when I write this letter, I cannot erase the anxious feeling about the future I will face whether I can be pursuing my dream. Still, I want to remind myself to grow as someone who can support others and always try to make at least a small change in this life.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 The only part of this essay that you can reuse in the revised essay is the employment portion. Even though it is not GKS / Korea related, it still helps to enhance your application somewhat. Your motivation to join the program is not clear. Do not start this essay with your early studies. The motivation must have a professional / career goal envisioned for yourself, which propelled you to apply for the scholarship.
The reason you gave as a justification for studying in Korea is too generic in information. You need to focus your reason for choosing Korea on more than that. It could be a shared personal philosophy, a desire to learn about an emerging trend that saw its beginnings in Korea, or something else. Just give a more solid reason for choosing Korea as your academic host country. You could even use a reference to wishing to study at a specific Korean university because some accomplishment it has in a field related to your career or chosen masters course. By the way, try to include information about your research proficiency. I do not really see an effective reference to that important guide suggestion in your essay.
The current version is a rough draft that at least gave you a usable piece of information. as for the rest of the essay. You need to work on making sure it responds better to the guide questions as provided in the application form.
