i see a lot of comma splices, you should try fixing that
Where do you see a comma splice? I don't see it.
The sentence structure is very good in this essay, but the premise seems simplistic and not well-explained. For example:
In hindsight, I see how this revelation gave me direction in life. It gave me the drive to do well in school and compelled me to take my future into my own hands.----- this whole idea that the tragedy made you realize you have to work for what you want... it doesn't make sense unless you mention something about the brevity of life or the consequential nature of our actions.
The essay is also too vague; can you
add some sentences to show what your career plans are, (even if you might change them).
:-)