I'am applying for KGSP scholarship. therefore i think my essay kinda out of topic and not so formal, and i am kinda choose a not wise word. I'm looking for any feedback on how to make my personal statement more compelling and how to add more to my statement of purpose. Thank you so much in advance!
PERSONAL STATEMENT
o Motivations with which you apply for this program
o Your education and work experience in relation to the KGSP
o Reason for studying in Korea
o Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion for graduate study or research.
I graduated from Chemistry Department, ---------------------------. As for my undergraduate school, i think courses that include doing experiment in laboratory are course that i enjoy the most. Seeing the change of the color, shape, phase and etc, having the reaction undergo, seeing it gonna work out according to the theory or not, make me feel so fascinated. As I grew up and think of about my future and my surrounding, part of me asking so much question like so what if it is so awesome if it's not gonna useful in my real life? when do I will use all of my theory in my real life? When are all of this fascinated thing gonna useful for other people? I was so young and had so narrow mind.
Reading articles or news or recent study about renewable energy is always interesting for me. How a plant can be made into fuel, how an algae or waste can become fuel for fuel cell, how solar cell can generate electricity, and so much. It give new sight of me, knowing that my major really can be useful for other people too. That's why I really want to know more about energy and renewable sustainable energy too, hoping I can master one of that later. Because of my interest, as for my intership I did it in Pertamina. Pertamina is an Indonesia state-owned enterprise in term of energy and petrochemicals which also develope renewable energy sources. My internship didnt turn out like what i thought, but at least I got a lot of knowledge about oil, gas, energy, renewable energy and the condition of Inodonesia raw material of fuel right now.
After I did my internship, i read some news and articles about my lecturer showed a prototype to overcome Riau smoke. I was fascinated because once again I feel reaasured chemistry really can help people. My lecturer really inspires me, not only because of that news but the way he teach us, motivate us really inspires me. And he is in the Research and Community Service of my university, so i devoted myself to be like him, a lecturer who not teach but motivated the student and a researcher, in this case, because i am interested in renewable ad sustainable energy, i want to be expert one.
Aside of that, that kind of news, make me feel motivated so my 2 friends from chemistry engineering department and me decided to join student innovation competition in my university. It was not about renewable energy, but I was looking forward into it because my major become useful for other people. Using the idea of adsorbence, we made prototype of a doll that can become purifier from smoke. We managed to be Big 20 finalist of Student Innovation Competition by my University , and we had our copyright about our idea and prototype
Because of my interest in renewable energy, as the requirement for my undergraduate degree, I conducted research about the microbial fuel cell. Using boron doped diamond as electrode and Candida fukuyamaensis as the catalyst, i want to know whether urine can be fuel for MFC or not. My research turn out that urine did have potency to produce electricity but it still weak and much have more research about it. But, after doing my research, I want to learn more about fuel cell, not only microbial fuel cell.
Furthermore, after my research was finished, I attended an International conferences on material science and I presented a paper based on my research entitled The potency of electrical energy production from urine by microbial fuel cell using boron doped diamond electrode and having my paper published. I was so happy because i was doing what i like, i kinda feel reborn because i find my passion. But I felt it was kinda late because i joined a competition and conference in my last semester in University. That's why i havealready made exact plane in my mind that i am going to take my master degree. But i've plan to upgrading my self first, i prepare for my language and study about stuffs to prepare myself to study aboard. But not only preparing myself for my master degree, i teach in a course place because not only become researches, i want to be lecturer to so i learn to teach other people and communicate with students with many personalities. This kind of work can improve my public speaking too, so when i meet people for study aboard it must be people with so many different background i am kinda capable with it.
And why i fall in love with South Korea? My supervisor having aquintance from some universities in South Korea and my senior have also continues their study in South Korea, so I often heard about laboratory life, campus life and social life in South Korea. I am amazed how the goverment really support in tscience and technology, and how good their fasilities too. And they said working and studying in South Korea make them to be dicipline and making them to have such a good manners and personalities to prepare us in the next life. Having an unique culture and beautiful scenaary make me want to study in South Korea too.
Applying to the 2018 Korean Government Scholarship Program will allow me to study in Korea, a country whose education is of high quality. It is also one of the leading countries in Asia which support science and technology. South Korea which concern about renewable energy and clean energy.. The KGSP will also help me satisfy my thirst for learning by giving me the chance to learn about the Korean language, history, and culture.
The KGSP will help me in achieving my goal of becoming a future lecturer and researcher who is dedicated to building a better environmet for my countrymen with renewable and clean energy. Continuing my education in a foreign country will help expand my viewpoint of the world and further help in shaping me to become empowered and socially responsible. As the Korean government helps me in achieving my goals, I, in turn, shall help others achieve their goals too. I know that I am just one person trying to make a difference but I believe that even one person can do great things.
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by the way, my last two paragraph just copy paste with a minor edit, i am still working on my essay and of course i am gonna use my own word too, but for now i need some advice. thank you so muchHolt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Isnaini, your essay does not make any sense. You are just rambling on without really focusing on responding appropriately to the prompt requirements. It appears that you did not understand what was being required of your presentation and you just kept writing in the hopes of coming up with a relevant essay. Sadly, you were unable to accomplish that. Let me see if I can help you better understand the presentation that is expected.
The first prompt is about your motivations. These are the reasons why you feel that you need to learn about more advanced theories and practices in your field of work. In this portion, you should discuss your current work experience in relation to your realization that you have some obstacles in the performance of your duties which need to be academically addressed if you are to continue progressing in this line of work.
Your education and work experience needs to focus on your college studies. Share your academic accomplishments such as honors or awards. Make sure that you highlight your internship experience. Explain how this internship experience helped you better understand the requirements of your college major and the impact that it had on you when you started looking for a job. Now, speaking of a job, you did not really touch on that topic in the essay. I wonder why you forgot to do that. The work experience is important because it connects with the motivation you have for advanced studies.
The reasons you have for studying in Korea are shallow and not impressive because you started with the story of your professor and classmates, which makes your paragraph weak. Develop the paragraph instead around how Korea is advancing in the field that you are planning to enroll in and how you consider Korea to be the upcoming leader in this field, or any other information that will show how your desire to study in Korea has everything to do with your academic and professional development.
Collectively, all of these information should help you prove that you have the passion that it takes to focus your attention on your classes both in languages and relevant subjects, along with the research experience that will allow you fully utilize any self-study potential you have that can be honed by the scholarship.
